Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

It's funny how things don't turn out like you want 'em to.

I can already tell this is going to be a very difficult trip. My mother is making itenaries and plans and they are, as usual, overblown, impractical, and INCREDIBLY stress inducing. We have very very different priorities and she thinks that mine are unimportant. She announced this morning, as if I were like 5 years old still and she had the right to set up all my activities, that we would be taking advantage of the trip to Maine as an opportunity for me to learn how to drive. I flat out said no and a fight ensued. *sigh* Doesn't she understand that I'm going back to school soon and am not interested in burning the dregs of my vacation on driving instruction from a hick? She can't fathom why I don't really seem to be concerned with learning how to drive. Doesn't she understand that it's because I have practically nowhere to drive TO? I won't use a car in the city because it's impractical and expensive (parking can cost more than cab-fare) and I'm not going to drive up to our countryhouse on my own. At least not yet. If I do go up during this next semester it will be with friends and about half of my friends do know how to drive. Plus there are added insurance costs from having a teenager drive a car etc etc.

Hee-Ann has offered to teach me how to drive and I think that's the best option out there. He's young enough to not be irritatingly stodgy and he's 28 and from Las Angeles so he's been driving for over a decade in some of the worst traffic out there.

I dunno, I sound juvenile and petty. It's really not who I am. But it is in some respects and I don't think that I can HIDE that in this journal and still grow out of it. Grrr....I really don't like the parts of myself that I've written about in these last few entries. The incompetant parts, the childish parts, the irrational parts, the BAD parts. I am putting my flaws down on paper and it's not pleasant and it makes me insecure and feel like I will drop in the opinion of anyone who reads this even though I think that by ADMITTING all this stuff I am taking an important step. It's funny how by growing I become less respectable.

Although my image is another thing I have always sought to control in one regard or another. Not physical, but intellectual and emotional. Don't care what people think...right? I do. But I guess your image is something that you can control only if you make sacrifices that just aren't worth it. If Paul or Kawah read this and think less of me so be it. If I drop in Jeff's esteem..okay. I need to learn to deal with that.

I'm still going to Maine. In the past I might not have, and I have called off trips to avoid the kind of friction that this trip will probably have, but it's time to get past all of this. I think I've grown enough to easily deal with a lot of the stuff that used to paralyze me and it's just time to put that growth into ACTION and DEAL with it. So far I've gone from excited to sad to fearful to aggravated in less than 24 hours. I'm leaving for the first leg in 2 hours, and you know what....I DO wish I knew how to drive. But I don't. And the fact of the matter is that I don't feel confidant to pass the learners permit test so that I could learn to drive up there.

You know when I look over what I've written recently it looks like I am nothing but a mess of insecurities fears and inadequacies. That's not true at all. The thing is that I think most people don't take enough of a harsh look at themselves in the mirror. Too many people are content to ignore their flaws, problems, and deep issues. I don't want to be one of those people. I don't want to be complacent with my problems. I want to be proactive and face the things that I need to face, without overwhelming myself. It's a balancing act.

But I think I'm coming off as pathetic and uncentered and basically a rotton human being right now and so I will feebly state that I don't think that's the case.

I'm so confused and conflicted right now that I can't say for SURE that it's not the case....but that's....okay.

I will try to make my next entry less muddled and more upbeat. Not for you, for me. Because I don't like myself this way, fuck everybody else.
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