Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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If you don't want me then don't give me a sign.

It looks like the "Move in with me move out together" plan is shot. There are a bunch of reasons for this and plenty of blame to go around. A lot of it is my mom's skittishness and paranoia, things I've contended with my whole life. Unfortunately certain events have unfolded and she's been set off. I don't mean to suggest that she's being entirely unreasonable, I understand her perspective completely and what she says makes sense, but she pulls the trigger to fast and freaks out at the slightest thing. Managing her edginess has always been a huge pain and I can't do it much longer.

As for the event, and why the person I was going to move in with is to blame, I don't want to air that dirty laundry, but it was a dumb move and a move I specifically and repeatedly warned about and discussed.

My culpability is, at least to me, a little more complex. It mostly has to do with the fact that I should have expected something like this to happen and I should have been clearer about the potential pitfalls in the plan. I thought I was being so but it didn't get through and I should have expected it not to. I really wanted to get out of here so I settled into a plan that was probably not the best from the start. The truth of the matter is that after going through all this over the last few days I'm kind of glad it all fell apart now before it started. I don't think we would have meshed well or that it would have been a good fit. I feel really badly about the fact that the burden falls mainly, almost exclusively, upon him in terms of dealing with the fallout. I wish it had been more evenly distributed. I prefer being let down to letting others down. In this case both happened, but the fallout falls disproportionately off me and that's unfair.

Now I have to go back to dealing with the broken washing machine and a thousand other things. I feel guilty and liberated all at once. It's also brought home to me just how little control I have over this house and a lot of reasons I need to get out. That may be happening relatively soon depending on how certain chips fall. We'll see.
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