Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

They want to push me around. Well They Will. Well They Will.

It still scares me the way some people feel that they can open up to me. The things that they feel that they can say. I feel like they are trusting me and I know they have no idea what kind of reaction being trusted brings in me. When I am trusted my immediate instinct is to respond with loyalty, fervor, and a desire to work to help whoever it is with whateve situation they have trusted me with. The thing is that often what people want is just to be heard, and that I cannot do. I can't hear of someone's pain and do NOTHING, it isn't in me even if it would be best. How does one go about accepting the fact that, as REM says, "Everybody Hurts" when it comes to OTHER people. How do you LET people hurt when you have to, let them feel pain and not react?

I have no idea.

I'm also afraid of being used. I tend to fall for the word trust like some people fall for love. It is because for me trust is something given almost never. Is there anyone alive who I trust fully? No. Jeff comes closest but there have been incedents where I have trusted him with deep and painful things and he has failed me. This is not neccesarily his fault, I mean nobody is flawless and nobody never fails, but it does mean that I find myself afraid to tell him certain things that I want to talk about because I don't feel comfortable revealing them. Because I don't trust that it will make things better. Often the things I am afraid to tell are mundane and silly. Like the fact that I have yet to be able to trust this journal with the name of a girl I was attracted to for a time but no longer really think about. I mean there is no logical reason I couldn't type it here. There is a 1 in a billion chance that she would ever read this, and a 1 in a trillion chance that she would care what I thought about her. But I still can't do it. I do not trust easily.

I think it comes from both my mother and my father. I trusted that my father would always be there for me. And then he wasn't and it was by CHOICE. And with my mother, well any scrap of information she gets her hands on becomes a weapon. In Maine for example she brought up a couple girls I knew when I was 16. One of them called me twice and one of them used to write to me but my mother still remembers them, where they were from, and other stuff that even I've forgotten. If I had told her more she'd remember that too.

Regardless of where it comes from though, I don't trust easily or often and so when people tell me that they trust me it MEANS something except that I know that they don't mean it in the same way I would and so they are not prepared for my reaction.

And in the end, I guess it's also relevant to say, I don't trust my self with other's trust.
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