Despite expectations to the contrary the pontiff has not risen from the death to become a professional breakdancer but has instead remained dead. In other news Jesus has still not returned to earth, despite an absence of nearly 2000 years. It is suspected that he got directions from Mapquest and may be lost somewhere between the heavenly plane and Terra. Catherine Zeta Jones' vagina has been ruled out after extensive testing by scientist Michael Douglas.
"I just don't get it" declared Popelover and Jesus expector Marla Lee Wilson. "Why's the world following the expectations of them thar scientists instead of a bunch of totally uneducated cultists who clearly outnumber them."
When reached for comment actual Scientist Jim Downing replied "Well on the surface it would seem that actually paying attention to how things work and systematically studying the world is a better strategy for learning facts than interpreting words from a 2,000 year old work of fiction, but in truth who knows. I bet the Jesus people are pretty accurate. Could you ask the pro-lifers to stop shooting at me and my children? I totally renounce abortion, just let my family alone."
As for the pope, after his cardiac functions ceased and brain activity disappeared he has shockingly continued to be dead, much like other celebrities. We promise to keep you updated on the complete lack of progress in his condition.
In other news some Muslims blew some stuff up in Thailand or something, we don't really know, all reporters have been sent to Rome to watch the scripted funeral of a dead old man.