Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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WARNING WARNING WARNING. Offensive content ahead

Okay. If you have a weak stomach please turn back. I warned you.

So I was on my treadmill (NO! Really?) at about 9:15 this evening. I turned on 13 going on 30 on the television, as it seemed like something light and frothy to half pay attention to during a good workout. As a side note, Jennifer Garner is quite beautiful, and her beauty is unusual among female celebrities. She's gorgeous because she has such a square jaw but with soft feminine features and the milkiest softest looking skin. It's tomboy gorgeous, where a woman enhances her femininity by trying to hide it but failing. This enhances the femininity an gives it some edge, creating a very pleasurable effect. Garner's taken a lot of heat for being in a bad TV show and sexing it up with Ben Affleck, who is the country's most hated celeb at this point, but she doesn't deserve it. She has some talent and she's really really pretty. As for Affleck, I kind of feel sorry for the slob although not much since he's rich and fucking Jennifer Garner. He made some bad script choices and gave some bad performances but he's not that untalented. He's also not that handsome, no male celebrities really are. Female celebs are often incredibly almost incomprehensibly gorgeous, but male celebrities often just look like handsome guys who've been polished up and well lit. You could find a guy as good looking as Affleck in most classrooms or baseball teams.

What's my point? I'm just giving you scanners a chance to turn back before we reach the gross stuff. You've got a shot. It's here.

So I was on the treadmill, and I was naked. I get kind of hot working out, and with the drapes shut and me alone in the house why NOT workout naked? I think wearing clothes all the time when you're alone is a puritan thing. Anyway, I was working pretty hard, I put myself on fat-burn for 30 minutes with the highest top speed I've done, and it was tough but it felt good. I was moving, the movie was kind of stupid but acceptably done, and I was working up a sweat. About 20 minutes in to the workout I passed gas a couple times. No big deal, I thought, exercise often has the effect of stimulating egestion and the room had some ventilation so I wasn't going to suffocate in a dutch oven. Then about 2 minutes later I started to feel some droplets trickling down my legs. I thought they were sweat, of course, since I was sweating. Usually sweating is concentrated on the upper body, but then I usually wear sweat pants when working out so they absorb any lower body sweat. So far this was unusual, but not a cause for worry. The liquid running down my legs increased, though, and as I had about 2 minutes left in my workout I looked down to see that both my legs were covered in this reddish liquid that had streamed down them and was soaking into my socks. I instantly knew what had happen. Those little farts hadn't been so harmless after all, but had instead carried some sort of fecal matter out with them into the crack of my ass, where it had remained. Once there the fecal matter started irritating the ass, and then the friction of the fast walking took over. What I was looking at on my legs was a wonderful mixture of shit, sweat, and blood. All mine. My immediate thought was "Oh crap, I hope this doesn't get on the treadmill!" I am not the squeamish type but I like to keep my $3000 pieces of furniture as shit and blood free as is humanly possible. My second thought was a more unusual one. Do I finish this workout, which I was really proud of myself for doing because it was pretty tough, or do I head for the shower. I made a calculation. At the rate the liquid was soaking through my socks I had about two and a half minutes before it went down to the soles. I had two minutes left of work. I decided to stick it out, and I did. To those of you who are squeamish that might sound like the height of disgustingness, but the way I see it those are all just liquids from my body and while I wouldn't want to ingest any of them, they don't really bother me on my skin. Towards the end I had to walk on the side of one foot to avoid polluting the mill, but I did it, and hopped off. A few droplets of shit and blood did get on the tread, but that was earlier when I hadn't noticed, and I carefully washed it off. I then showered. From now on I at LEAST wear boxers shorts while working out.

Oh and on another note, my feet are incredibly sore from all the pounding they've taken recently but ironically since the treadmill is softer than my floors I only feel it when I get off, and they feel fine when I'm actually on the thing. This has lead to me vastly underestimating the pain of getting off and muttering several obscenities. I also hobble around like an old man and can barely get to the phone when it rings, but I don't mind. The calluses will come and I'll be fine. The pleasure and gains are worth the pain.
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