Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Fear and opportunity

Today was interesting. I basically got fired from my job. I wasn't told to pack up my things and go in so many words, but my boss indicated that after Cannes he's going to be looking for assistant who is, well, more assistanty. He wants someone to run his office and life and that someone will not be me. I would be the first to admit that I'm not a great assistant because I bore easily and I just don't care. I've never been organized or focused like that. I don't want to sound like a stuck up diva, because I'm not one, but I can't bring myself to expend much mental energy on things like creating emailing lists or researching names. Give me a project with some sort of brainpower required and I'll crank it out well, but this work I'm doing now? It's just not me.

So now I am at a crossroads. Do I look for a new job? One outside the film industry? Do I continue to write on my own time, workout to try to lose some weight (which matters in the interview process) and put my stock in me?

I'm not sure yet but I'm leaning towards the latter. Financially my family is not in a good place right now, not good at all, but I do have significant assets and I can afford not to work for at least awhile. You only get one life and if you don't chase the things you love you end up...well...running into them 11 months later and covering up the hurt with bad jokes about napalm.

I need to chase my dream. I have faith that I have talent, and I believe that somewhere out there there's a job for me where I can make money doing what I love to do. It will take dedication and hard work to hone my skills and to find it, but I have both when it comes to things that really matter. I just don't see how spending 5 years doing something I hate so that I can "climb the ladder" makes sense. Yes I know how it's things are done, but how much of that is true and how much is Calvinist bullshit? I'm having a hard time figuring out whether being responsible or being true to myself is the smarter move. If I don't know which is smarter then maybe I should go with the one that feels right.

Maybe I'll end up spending a lot of my money, not getting any writing work, and having to go back into the world poorer and in worse shape, but that's the chance you take when you go for the brass ring. You might just fall flat on your face, and that's okay. I know someone who did that. He wanted to be an actor. Spent his 20's and 30's pursuing that dream and getting deep in debt because of it. He never succeeded and now he's doing something different, but he doesn't regret what he tried. He knows what he wanted and he went for it. Now that he's back out of debt, at 43, he's considering re-entering that world. He's an inspiration. Gene Hackman didn't hit the big time until 40. Life is about chasing the things that matter to you. Nobody wants to wake up at 60 and realize that they didn't start their 'real' life yet. A day job can be a life sentence.

Today I did a few things that needed doing for my new life. I bought a printer, because I need to be able to print both resumes and work samples to send out, not to mention that it was time after years of doing without one, and I bought a chair, because a writer without a chair is a writer who spends way too much time standing. They cost me over $200 plus cab fare. I spend way too much and I have to cut down, though these were necessities. Maybe not having a job will be my undoing. Maybe I'll end up a penniless loser on the streets (instead of a pennied loser living with my mom.) I have to try it though, don't I?

Ahh life, there ain't no handbook and there ain't no refund.
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