Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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I am a fortune teller

My powers of prediction have struck again. Today after about 15 minutes of light exercise the treadmill gave me the old L5 error and stopped working. I wasn't really prepared for it to be this sudden, but at least I wasn't shocked or completely overwhelmed. What did I do for the rest of the day? Mostly rested, with a little online porn browsing and, of course, a rather angry call to the distributor. The rest was good, my feet and legs can use time to recover and I wanted to catch up on my sleep anyway, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do tomorrow. If it doesn't get fixed soon I will start to look for alternate exercise options, only I really don't want to. Oh well.

It's unsurprising to me that I would have predicted the thing's demise so effectively. I have a pretty good track record when it comes to making such predictions. Whether they be voting pattern estimates or ideas about someone's hidden past I can generally rely on my instincts. I remember one particular football game where I was watching with a friend and I kept calling things before they happened. Turnovers, touchdowns, the like. It's almost like providence has touched me with a special gift...

Except it ISN'T at all. I can explain those things easily. For the treadmill, well I mentioned there were noises and, of course, something that happened once can easily happen again. In terms of politics it's just a matter of gathering information and watching the various candidates and then letting your subconscious go to work trying to figure out patterns and predictions. As for the football game, well I read the Quarterback's body language and the defensive alignments. When the QB looked unsure and the D kept getting a decent jump on his balls (wait, that's not what that means!) a turnover felt imminent. When receivers started outrunning the coverage it was touchdown time. Accurate predictions that cannot be consciously explained are merely results of subconscious calculations. As humans we pick up a lot more data than we actually know about, and our subconscious minds are at times more perceptive and intelligence than our conscious ones. Nothing strange or even creepy about that. It is what it is.

This is one of the reasons that the recent upsurge in evangelical power in this country is so scary to me. Because it represents people who don't understand these sorts of things. They can't acknowledge the last 500 years of human history, it's all just a big mistake to them. Imagine waking up one morning to learn that 30% of the population believed that it was 1505 AD. You don't have to imagine it, it's happening right in front of our eyes.

"A Great Man Has Died. Let Us All Settle Our Heads In Prayer"

And that wasn't even the pope, that was fucking REAGAN. Since when did veneration of our leaders as holy men re-insert itself into American requirements for patriotism? I thought the whole point of elections was that we elevate a commoner to TEMPORARY leadership and continue to view him as an equal despite his power, because how he got that power is TRANSPARENT. Did I miss the part of my political education where it's revealed that people who are elected president become demigods? One of the reasons that Franklin Delano Roosevelt has been so positively viewed in hindsight is because he could not walk. Our greatest wartime president of this century did not have the use of his legs. He was a man, a flawed man who needed the assistance of others to do things that most of us take for granted. That is the model of a U.S. president I grew up venerating. Someone who fought against his or her weaknesses to do what was best for the country and lead this great ship through the world's troubled waters.

So what the fuck happened? They're ready to give George Bush his halo while he's still in office despite the fact that he makes Mr. Magoo look farsighted. They're instilling so much Christian gibberish into the political process I keep waiting for new laws to start being written in tongues. They're shedding founding principals faster than Tara Reid's breasts shed their protective cloth covering in the face of a paparazzi camera. had an article today about a conference of evangelical political supporters who are laboring under the absolutely crazy belief that the Constitution is somehow descended from the ten commandments, you know what with the fact that it doesn't mention ANY OF THEM AT ALL. They are suggesting that a good moral way to clear the path for a Christian government would be to shoot them some judges who are taking the absolutely unacceptable stance that there is, in fact, a separation of Church and State in our constitution and that our country should not do things like stone homosexuals to death or publicly whip women who have sex outside of marriage.

This was not some fringe group either. Tom Delay, the fucking SENATE MAJORITY LEADER, gave an address to them. They have aides from other Republican senators assuring them that their craziness has a voice in our government. We are living in a time of MADNESS. Madness, madness, madness.

Meanwhile Frank Rich of the Times points out that the culture of life is a complete and utter farce, and that these people actually worship a culture of death. These are the people who watch Fox News religiously (Soon that will be literal. Get ready for "Hannity and Falwell" where Sean Hannity plays the liberal side of things and the only true debate is whether gays should be slowly tortured to death or simply hung in a quiet civil ceremony.) in the hopes of seeing the next in a never ending line of grisly deaths. Scott Petersen killed his wife and know the state will murder him? Fabulous. Terry Schiavo is finally going to die? All eyes on her! The Pope, an 84 year old man, is passing on? TIVO IT! TIVO IT!

That's your culture of life? If so then I have a culture of virtue for you. It's called Girls Gone Wild. You can spend all day watching those tapes and decrying the horrible debauchery you find there. Oh wait. We already HAVE PEOPLE WHO DO THAT.

Seriously folks, this is so incredibly insane that to try and get a grasp on it is almost impossible. It's a horde of 16th century idiots set loose in a modern world. The Republican party encourages this, and for that it deserves to die. I'm sorry, but if you support a group of people who enable the moron hordes then you are not only a traitor to this country but to this world. You are encouraging the death of the United States' power at a time when humanity NEEDS it. You are selling out your species for insanity's sake. Republicans from the old school of "Welfare is not the best way to help the poor" and "Fiscal responsibility matters" should absolutely break with the evangelical lunatics if they want to be anywhere NEAR the winning side of history. They should disavow any association with the likes of Bush or DeLay and get behind McCain or some other semi-moderate guy and try to make a push for him as the next president. You'd have a shot, democrats would defect in droves if they were offered the real possibility of getting even another Nixon into office. Nixon, as much of a shit head as he was, dealt in matters of reality (tinged with paranoia.) He didn't live in total fantasy world where it doesn't matter how much oil you burn because God's going to destroy the earth in 10 years.

The crazy Christians are stupid, emotionally unbalanced, or both. That doesn't apply to everyone who calls him or herself a Christian. If you want to believe in some sort of vague deity like Einstein and most of the founders did, fine, it's an unfalsifiable belief and it doesn't really do much harm. The clockmaker metaphor is kind of sweet and presupposes a fairly rational God. He made his creation and now he's sitting back and watching, no matter what goes wrong or right. Fine.

If you think that God literally created the world in 6 days and that he's planning on ending it when Israel manages to get its act together, take back its ancestral lands, and start Armageddon then you are a MORON! You're an IDIOT! There's no other way to describe someone who holds such inane beliefs in the face of overwhelming evidence. It's okay, some people are just born stupid. Others got their education down in the Taintland, Kentucky or Arkansas way, and those have always been moron states. The slave owners were anti-intellectualism in a way that matches pretty well to the Tom DeLays of the world, and their culture has seeped through to modern time like a stinking pustulant ooze. "Blacks were happy under slavery." A real live Southerner told me that once and made it all pretty clear. These are people descended from the stinking refuse that was Southern society pre-civil war and they've NEVER GROWN UP. If you believe as they do then you're stupid. There's a reason that way of life lost out. It was wrong. It didn't work. It was based on a pack of lies. GIVE IT UP.

Of course there is the occasional semi-smart person who believes the Christian lies. They are the emotionally unbalanced human wreckage and they're pretty scary too. Look at Bill First. Apparently culture of life means it's okay to torture stray cats to death, but GOD FORBID you remove the feeding tube from a brain dead lady. GOD FORBID IT. Literally. He does. And we should listen to him. Because he is TALKING through Bill First.

And that's the ultimate truth behind evangelism. It is the most self-centered religion there is. "We're right and nobody else knows anything and we don't have to prove it. God cries when someone doesn't pay attention to him because he's like us, he must CONSTANTLY be getting his due or he goes WAAAH! WAAAH! I'll burn you in a lake of fire. WAAAH! WAAAH!" Seriously, why is it that the thing that God wants most according to these people is your unconditional love? What the fuck kind of supreme being is that? If the image of the watchmaker is a rational point of view of a great deity who is dispassionately observing the machine that he has made, then the evangelical view is of a crying 4 year old sobbing because somebody else is getting the attention. Man creates god in his own image and here we see how the Evangelicals really think. They are self-centered self-serving idiots who are constantly afraid that, here in reality, nobody actually cares about them. Probably true judging by the kinds of families that emerge from the mess of the Midwest. They need God to care more than anything about what THEY think of Him and to love them best because they love him. It's their only real relationship. It's CRAZY but it makes psychological sense. This is why the nuts love to believe that in a few years all of us nonbelievers will be tossed into a lake of hellfire and THEY will be lifted up into the arms of their loving deity because they are such GOOD BOYS AND GIRLS.

Do you know why America is faltering right now? It's not because of outsourcing or oil prices or competition with China. It's because we have a HUGE monkey on our backs, the crazy taintlanders are running the country exactly like a four year old would. We can't compete in the world behaving like the Problem Child. Those of us who still have our sanity need to turn our attention towards shaking off this monkey and returning the taintlanders to their pathetic little Southern lives where they can say dumb things to their dumb friends and live off welfare while hating the blacks. Republicans, it's up to you to divorce yourselves from the taintlanders before they drag you into the pits of hell with them. It's up to you to save this country from the problem you've caused. The rest of us will fight the best we can, but some of you must be rational and you MUST see that you didn't lie down with dogs and get fleas, you lay down with a fucking wolf and you got RABIES. Time to get your shots. Otherwise...well...we better pray there IS a God waiting to scoop us all into heaven because earth is going to get a whole lot worse very fucking quickly.

There. Suddenly my broken treadmill seems much less important.
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