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Why do they do that?
INT. TALK SHOW SET -- EVENING
The set is cheap-looking and brightly colored, with a big
fake cityscape window and maroon carpet. At a big fake oak
desk sits 30-something LIAM, in an ugly brown suit, with
slicked back black hair and a creepy white smile.
LIAM
Welcome back to "Why do they do that?"
I'm your host Liam Ayer. Let's get
to the next question.
Liam reaches down into a desk drawer and pulls out an
envelope, from which he extracts a blue piece of paper.
LIAM (CONT'D)
Jen, from Kansas City, writes: "Dear
Liam. We met a few months ago at a
Chiefs game. You invited me back to
your hotel room where we were intimate
for about 90 seconds and then you
cried for about 15 minutes before
falling asleep in my arms muttering
"Hold me mommy." About 3 weeks later
I developed this itching sensation
in my-
Liam balls the piece of paper up and attempts to throw it
away discreetly.
LIAM (CONT'D)
Whoops, how'd that get in there?
Let's try another letter, shall we?
Liam reaches into his desk and pulls out another envelope,
from which he extracts a white piece of paper.
LIAM (CONT'D)
Bryan, from Walla Walla Washington
writes-
Liam pauses for a second and looks up as if trying to remember
something. He nods and turns back to the letter.
LIAM (CONT'D)
Bryan writes: "Dear Liam. Printer
ink is so expensive these days and
it seems like each cartridge barely
lasts a few weeks before I need a
replacement. Is this just a big
scam, or is there a reason they charge
so much?
Liam puts the letter down and looks up towards the camera.
He gives a fake laugh.
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2.
LIAM (CONT'D)
Ha Ha. You're telling me, Bryan.
Why just the other day I was printing
out these digital photographs that I
get daily from the email and I barely
made it through 10 days worth
before...anyway. Most people are
like you, Bryan, and think that "Big
Printer Ink" is out to get them like
"Big Oil" or "Big Agribusiness." But
ink isn't like food, Bryan, it's not
made in a factory out of genetically
modified ingredients and carcinogenic
additives. Would that it were, Bryan,
would that it were. No, printer ink
is harvested from the sea by the
noble ink fisherman. His is an
ancient way of life, tough and
dangerous, but honorable indeed.
Why printer ink fishing is one of
the few vocations left that we can
honestly say has not changed since
the last millennium...
CROSS FADE
EXT. A SMALL BOAT ON A SET OF FAKE WAVES -- EVENING
The set is small and cheaply made. A rowboat with a fake-
looking sail put in the middle has been placed on a stage
with some cardboard waves that have been painted inconsistent
shades of green and blue. The background is slightly better
painted, with an expanse of sea followed by a forested
shoreline and a lighthouse in the back. Every one in awhile
someone throws a bucket of water on to the set to simulate
spray. In the boat are three men in stereotypical Gordon's
Fisherman style rainslickers. One is an older gentleman,
CAPTAIN O'GRADY, perhaps in his 60's, with a long white beard.
He moves with a limp and speaks in an accent that's somewhere
between a thick New England accent and an Irish Brogue. The
second man is younger, perhaps in his late 30's, with a
weathered face and a long knife scar on his cheek. His name
is FRANCIS, and his voice is cigarette-habit raspy. He is
attending to some fishing lines draped over the side of the
boat. The third man is very young, maybe 19. His name is
CODY, and he is sitting at a small desk set up in the center
of the boat with a computer and a printer. The other two
men squeeze by as they go around the boat A small white
text caption marks the scene as "Somewhere in the middle of
the Atlantic."
Captain O'Grady and Francis scuttle around the boat checking
lines and bailing out parts of the boat. About 10 seconds
into the scene Francis stops and calls out:
FRANCIS
Captain O'Grady, we've got one.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
3.
The captain perks up and starts over towards Francis,
squeezing past Cody's desk as the younger man barely notices
and keeps on typing.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Aye, I'll be there in a flash son.
Captain O'Grady reaches Francis and together they lean over
the boat and start hauling at some netting. As they pull a
bucket of 'spray' hits them across their bodies and faces
and O'Grady looks up in minor irritation. They haul the net
in and turn to face the camera, pulling a fake squid from
the net. Captain O'Grady examines it for a few moments.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D)
Francis, my boy, it's Magenta, that
most elusive of inks. What a haul.
Francis, you take care of it. Cody,
write her up.
Francis pulls out a small ink cartridge from his pocket and
starts to squeeze a tiny stream of red ink from the squid
into the cartridge, careful to spill as little as possible
in the small unstable boat. A bucket of 'spray' hits him in
the face. Cody starts typing quickly on the computer keyboard
and working the mouse, while the captain continues around
the boat checking the netting. Cody hits a button and the
printer sparks to life and starts spitting out pages of
paper, some of which fly overboard. Cody gathers the rest
up and starts stuffing them in the desk.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D)
You know back in my day it was much
simpler. None of these environmental
impact forms or registrations. Oh
how I long for the days of open sea
and high adventure.
Francis nods in agreement as he continues in his task. A
bucket of spray hits the captain full in the face and spits
a mouthful out with a look of irritation. Francis finishes
squeezing the ink out and throws the squid down into the
belly of the boat.
FRANCIS
This cartridge is full, Captain. I
think that's a whole case now!
The captain nods and goes over to Francis. Together they
pull out a crate and open it. They place the ink cartridge
in, slide the top shut, and start to nail it.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
How many is that, Cody?
Cody presses a few buttons on the computer.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4.
CODY
Looks like we've got 42 black, 18
yellow, 14 blue, and 11 Magenta,
sir.
The captain nods.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
A good haul, a good haul indeed.
We'll be home 'afore midnight men,
and I wager there'll be a pint of
ale and a warm wench waiting for
each of us.
CODY
I'm still gay, captain.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Enough of that nonsense, boy. We've
all experimented now and again on
the high seas, or that time in college
when we had too much Kahlua. You're
not gay m'boy. Gay men and seamen
don't mix!
Cody sighs and presses a few more keys on his computer. A
bucket of spray hits Captain O'Grady in the face. Francis
pulls out a telescope, unfurls it and starts looking around.
At the other end of the boat one of the lines start jiggling
and Captain O'Grady goes over to it. He starts pulling it
up and a female hand comes over the side. A woman starts to
pull herself up on to the boat.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D)
MERMAID!
Francis rushes over and together they kick at her hands and
face until she's driven back to the sea.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D)
Away with ye, mermaid. Ye'll nay be
getting any of our precious ink!
Back to the briny deep with ye and
your drably colored top!
Francis goes back to using his telescope. Cody raises up
his body as if about to say something and gets hit in the
face with a bucket of spray. He slumps back down and starts
typing on the computer. Francis starts waving his arms with
excitement.
FRANCIS
Captain! Captain!
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
What is it son?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5.
FRANCIS
Pirates!
Cody stops typing and the captain perks up.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Ye not be pulling me peg there
Francis?
FRANCIS
No, I see the Jolly Roger! It's
pirates! Pirates or...maybe goths.
Sea goths? Most likely pirates.
Captain O'Grady pulls out a telescope of his own and peers
into it. Cody types furiously.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Aye! PIRATES!
Twin buckets of spray hit Francis and him in the face.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D)
They've got us, I'm afraid. That
boat looks faster than a Dublin whore,
and we're laden down with precious
ink. Wave the white flag, Francis,
we'll not be giving our lives for
this cargo, no matter how many end
of year financial reports go unprinted
because of it.
Francis reaches down into the boat and starts fiddling. He
stands up with a grim look on his face.
FRANCIS
I'm afraid I can't do that Captain.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Now now, I admire your courage young
man, and truth is at your age I'd
want to fight them too, but surrender
is the better part of valor.
Francis shakes his head.
FRANCIS
No, I mean I can't do that, captain.
He holds up a flag stained in a tie-dye pattern.
FRANCIS (CONT'D)
The ink, it's stained the white flag
right through.
Captain O'Grady looks stricken.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Oh curse the life of an ink fisherman!
What'll we do now? Think quick my
boys, they'll be on us.
FRANCIS
What about a message in a bottle?
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Yes! If we can't show them our flag
we'll let the sea carry our words to
them. Quick, Cody, type this up.
"Dear pirates, we surrender. Please
pillage us kindly and go in good
health." I'll get to drinking the
whiskey.
Captain O'Grady pulls out a bottle and starts taking long
slugs from it. Cody types furiously. The whiskey bottle is
finished quickly and Cody starts hitting a button but the
printer just sits there making noises.
CODY
It's no good captain, we're out of
toner! I used the last of it up
writing the report on the Magenta
catch.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Oh ink, you are a fickle mistress
indeed!
All three men are hit in their faces by buckets of spray.
Cody types furiously.
FRANCIS
By god captain, it looks like they're
turning tail! What's this?
Captain O'Grady takes out his telescope and points it towards
where Francis is looking.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Aye! You're right son. What's this
then?
CODY
I instant messaged them. I said we
were a treasury ship laden with
freshly printed U.S. dollars. Three
million, to be precise, or the
equivalent of forty Euro. They're
leaving.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY
Cody, my boy, you've done it! You've
saved us and our precious cargo!
(MORE)
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7.
CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D)
There'll be book reports aplenty
printed out in town this week!
Alright, turn her for home boys.
Let's get this ink where it belongs.
They stand around for a few moments and then Francis points
his telescope towards the backdrop.
FRANCIS
LAND HO!
Captain O'Grady gets hit in the face by a bucket of spray.
CROSS FADE
INT. TALK SHOW SET -- EVENING
Liam is sitting at his desk wearing a napkin in his collar
and eating a plate of BBQ ribs. His fingers are covered in
sauce and there are saucy fingerprints all over the napkin.
He looks up in confusion.
LIAM
What do you mean we're live? This
is taped, right?
He holds a hand up to his ear, pressing in and getting sauce
on the side of his face.
LIAM (CONT'D)
Oh crap. Huh. Uhh...welcome back
folks. As you can tell the life of
a ink fisherman is fraught with danger
indeed. I hope that answered your
question Bryan, from Walla
Walla...Walla....Walla Washington.
And I hope the rest of you will join
us next time for another episode of
What's Up With That? This is Liam
Ayer, signing off
The camera starts to zoom out and the credits begin to roll.
LIAM (CONT'D)
Who didn't tell me we were going
live? Stephanie, was it Stephanie?
I want her fired. I don't care how
pregnant she is, I want her fired!
THE END 