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Why do they do that? INT. TALK SHOW SET -- EVENING The set is cheap-looking and brightly colored, with a big fake cityscape window and maroon carpet. At a big fake oak desk sits 30-something LIAM, in an ugly brown suit, with slicked back black hair and a creepy white smile. LIAM Welcome back to "Why do they do that?" I'm your host Liam Ayer. Let's get to the next question. Liam reaches down into a desk drawer and pulls out an envelope, from which he extracts a blue piece of paper. LIAM (CONT'D) Jen, from Kansas City, writes: "Dear Liam. We met a few months ago at a Chiefs game. You invited me back to your hotel room where we were intimate for about 90 seconds and then you cried for about 15 minutes before falling asleep in my arms muttering "Hold me mommy." About 3 weeks later I developed this itching sensation in my- Liam balls the piece of paper up and attempts to throw it away discreetly. LIAM (CONT'D) Whoops, how'd that get in there? Let's try another letter, shall we? Liam reaches into his desk and pulls out another envelope, from which he extracts a white piece of paper. LIAM (CONT'D) Bryan, from Walla Walla Washington writes- Liam pauses for a second and looks up as if trying to remember something. He nods and turns back to the letter. LIAM (CONT'D) Bryan writes: "Dear Liam. Printer ink is so expensive these days and it seems like each cartridge barely lasts a few weeks before I need a replacement. Is this just a big scam, or is there a reason they charge so much? Liam puts the letter down and looks up towards the camera. He gives a fake laugh. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 2. LIAM (CONT'D) Ha Ha. You're telling me, Bryan. Why just the other day I was printing out these digital photographs that I get daily from the email and I barely made it through 10 days worth before...anyway. Most people are like you, Bryan, and think that "Big Printer Ink" is out to get them like "Big Oil" or "Big Agribusiness." But ink isn't like food, Bryan, it's not made in a factory out of genetically modified ingredients and carcinogenic additives. Would that it were, Bryan, would that it were. No, printer ink is harvested from the sea by the noble ink fisherman. His is an ancient way of life, tough and dangerous, but honorable indeed. Why printer ink fishing is one of the few vocations left that we can honestly say has not changed since the last millennium... CROSS FADE EXT. A SMALL BOAT ON A SET OF FAKE WAVES -- EVENING The set is small and cheaply made. A rowboat with a fake- looking sail put in the middle has been placed on a stage with some cardboard waves that have been painted inconsistent shades of green and blue. The background is slightly better painted, with an expanse of sea followed by a forested shoreline and a lighthouse in the back. Every one in awhile someone throws a bucket of water on to the set to simulate spray. In the boat are three men in stereotypical Gordon's Fisherman style rainslickers. One is an older gentleman, CAPTAIN O'GRADY, perhaps in his 60's, with a long white beard. He moves with a limp and speaks in an accent that's somewhere between a thick New England accent and an Irish Brogue. The second man is younger, perhaps in his late 30's, with a weathered face and a long knife scar on his cheek. His name is FRANCIS, and his voice is cigarette-habit raspy. He is attending to some fishing lines draped over the side of the boat. The third man is very young, maybe 19. His name is CODY, and he is sitting at a small desk set up in the center of the boat with a computer and a printer. The other two men squeeze by as they go around the boat A small white text caption marks the scene as "Somewhere in the middle of the Atlantic." Captain O'Grady and Francis scuttle around the boat checking lines and bailing out parts of the boat. About 10 seconds into the scene Francis stops and calls out: FRANCIS Captain O'Grady, we've got one. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 3. The captain perks up and starts over towards Francis, squeezing past Cody's desk as the younger man barely notices and keeps on typing. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Aye, I'll be there in a flash son. Captain O'Grady reaches Francis and together they lean over the boat and start hauling at some netting. As they pull a bucket of 'spray' hits them across their bodies and faces and O'Grady looks up in minor irritation. They haul the net in and turn to face the camera, pulling a fake squid from the net. Captain O'Grady examines it for a few moments. CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D) Francis, my boy, it's Magenta, that most elusive of inks. What a haul. Francis, you take care of it. Cody, write her up. Francis pulls out a small ink cartridge from his pocket and starts to squeeze a tiny stream of red ink from the squid into the cartridge, careful to spill as little as possible in the small unstable boat. A bucket of 'spray' hits him in the face. Cody starts typing quickly on the computer keyboard and working the mouse, while the captain continues around the boat checking the netting. Cody hits a button and the printer sparks to life and starts spitting out pages of paper, some of which fly overboard. Cody gathers the rest up and starts stuffing them in the desk. CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D) You know back in my day it was much simpler. None of these environmental impact forms or registrations. Oh how I long for the days of open sea and high adventure. Francis nods in agreement as he continues in his task. A bucket of spray hits the captain full in the face and spits a mouthful out with a look of irritation. Francis finishes squeezing the ink out and throws the squid down into the belly of the boat. FRANCIS This cartridge is full, Captain. I think that's a whole case now! The captain nods and goes over to Francis. Together they pull out a crate and open it. They place the ink cartridge in, slide the top shut, and start to nail it. CAPTAIN O'GRADY How many is that, Cody? Cody presses a few buttons on the computer. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 4. CODY Looks like we've got 42 black, 18 yellow, 14 blue, and 11 Magenta, sir. The captain nods. CAPTAIN O'GRADY A good haul, a good haul indeed. We'll be home 'afore midnight men, and I wager there'll be a pint of ale and a warm wench waiting for each of us. CODY I'm still gay, captain. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Enough of that nonsense, boy. We've all experimented now and again on the high seas, or that time in college when we had too much Kahlua. You're not gay m'boy. Gay men and seamen don't mix! Cody sighs and presses a few more keys on his computer. A bucket of spray hits Captain O'Grady in the face. Francis pulls out a telescope, unfurls it and starts looking around. At the other end of the boat one of the lines start jiggling and Captain O'Grady goes over to it. He starts pulling it up and a female hand comes over the side. A woman starts to pull herself up on to the boat. CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D) MERMAID! Francis rushes over and together they kick at her hands and face until she's driven back to the sea. CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D) Away with ye, mermaid. Ye'll nay be getting any of our precious ink! Back to the briny deep with ye and your drably colored top! Francis goes back to using his telescope. Cody raises up his body as if about to say something and gets hit in the face with a bucket of spray. He slumps back down and starts typing on the computer. Francis starts waving his arms with excitement. FRANCIS Captain! Captain! CAPTAIN O'GRADY What is it son? ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 5. FRANCIS Pirates! Cody stops typing and the captain perks up. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Ye not be pulling me peg there Francis? FRANCIS No, I see the Jolly Roger! It's pirates! Pirates or...maybe goths. Sea goths? Most likely pirates. Captain O'Grady pulls out a telescope of his own and peers into it. Cody types furiously. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Aye! PIRATES! Twin buckets of spray hit Francis and him in the face. CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D) They've got us, I'm afraid. That boat looks faster than a Dublin whore, and we're laden down with precious ink. Wave the white flag, Francis, we'll not be giving our lives for this cargo, no matter how many end of year financial reports go unprinted because of it. Francis reaches down into the boat and starts fiddling. He stands up with a grim look on his face. FRANCIS I'm afraid I can't do that Captain. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Now now, I admire your courage young man, and truth is at your age I'd want to fight them too, but surrender is the better part of valor. Francis shakes his head. FRANCIS No, I mean I can't do that, captain. He holds up a flag stained in a tie-dye pattern. FRANCIS (CONT'D) The ink, it's stained the white flag right through. Captain O'Grady looks stricken. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 6. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Oh curse the life of an ink fisherman! What'll we do now? Think quick my boys, they'll be on us. FRANCIS What about a message in a bottle? CAPTAIN O'GRADY Yes! If we can't show them our flag we'll let the sea carry our words to them. Quick, Cody, type this up. "Dear pirates, we surrender. Please pillage us kindly and go in good health." I'll get to drinking the whiskey. Captain O'Grady pulls out a bottle and starts taking long slugs from it. Cody types furiously. The whiskey bottle is finished quickly and Cody starts hitting a button but the printer just sits there making noises. CODY It's no good captain, we're out of toner! I used the last of it up writing the report on the Magenta catch. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Oh ink, you are a fickle mistress indeed! All three men are hit in their faces by buckets of spray. Cody types furiously. FRANCIS By god captain, it looks like they're turning tail! What's this? Captain O'Grady takes out his telescope and points it towards where Francis is looking. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Aye! You're right son. What's this then? CODY I instant messaged them. I said we were a treasury ship laden with freshly printed U.S. dollars. Three million, to be precise, or the equivalent of forty Euro. They're leaving. CAPTAIN O'GRADY Cody, my boy, you've done it! You've saved us and our precious cargo! (MORE) ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 7. CAPTAIN O'GRADY (CONT'D) There'll be book reports aplenty printed out in town this week! Alright, turn her for home boys. Let's get this ink where it belongs. They stand around for a few moments and then Francis points his telescope towards the backdrop. FRANCIS LAND HO! Captain O'Grady gets hit in the face by a bucket of spray. CROSS FADE INT. TALK SHOW SET -- EVENING Liam is sitting at his desk wearing a napkin in his collar and eating a plate of BBQ ribs. His fingers are covered in sauce and there are saucy fingerprints all over the napkin. He looks up in confusion. LIAM What do you mean we're live? This is taped, right? He holds a hand up to his ear, pressing in and getting sauce on the side of his face. LIAM (CONT'D) Oh crap. Huh. Uhh...welcome back folks. As you can tell the life of a ink fisherman is fraught with danger indeed. I hope that answered your question Bryan, from Walla Walla...Walla....Walla Washington. And I hope the rest of you will join us next time for another episode of What's Up With That? This is Liam Ayer, signing off The camera starts to zoom out and the credits begin to roll. LIAM (CONT'D) Who didn't tell me we were going live? Stephanie, was it Stephanie? I want her fired. I don't care how pregnant she is, I want her fired! THE END