Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters
socratic

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And it's good I'm not angry, anymore.

I need to stop fucking around. There are things out there that I KNOW need doing and yet I'm afraid to DO them. I need to get my final registration in order. I need to find out why Gabe's so pissed at me. I need to break with old and bad things and find new and better ones. I need to stop thinking that I can do EVERYTHING. I am not a genius I am not a chosen one I don't have to prove myself on an inhuman scale.

I got an email from Shana today. It was a big form email she sent to all her friends from her new digs in Japan. The last email I sent her went unreplied to but apparently I'm still on her list of people who should know where she is should they have a desire to contact her. I have none.

For those of you who don't know who Shana is, she's nobody important. Her email was timed in such a way that it brought up a lot of stuff that has been simmering under the surface but I've dealt with it and the water was lukewarm rather than scalding. No pain there except an all wet pride. I made a stupid decision based on stupid advice and paid a rather cheap price. The kind of thing that most people easily brush aside but that stings me for awhile afterwards because of that beautiful arrogance that Jeff is always accusing me of.

But I know who I want to be and that's what I should concentrate on. It's too bad there's no shortcuts to where I want to go but I think I'm ready to go up the long way and fuck all the scrapes scratches and broken bones I'm bound to get along the way.

I wonder where Kawah is. He's supposed to come over soon to work with me on his NYU app but he hasn't been around on IMer for awhile which worries me a bit. I hope it's just that his boss won't let him play online during the day anymore. Otherwise he's either hurting or has been lying to me.

I am ashamed to say that I don't know which would upset me more. I grow gruffer and stronger and tougher and I GROW. Am I losing my delicate innocense or gaining valuable wisdom? Am I growing dumber or wising up? Things always change but it's so hard to know whether it's for the better sometimes. My surrounding no longer seem to be the right ones for me. I think it's time for a change but life intercedes. It's okay, A year is not as long as it used to be and I can wait for the good to come. Because even if I don't like what I've become as much as what I was, at least I'm happier. And I'm not hurting anybody. And what could be better than that?
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