Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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The FCC is tightening regulations as to what constitutes obscenity on TV. They say that they will not be allowing any more valueless garbage that rots the minds of innocent children on the air. In other news, the 2006 State of the Union address will be the first one to go untelevised since the 1960’s.

With this return to values based entertainment some states are looking at old TV shows as potential allies in the battle against teenage sexuality. Arkansas and Kentucky are teaming up to teach proper sexual behavior through the show “All in the Family” while Texas plans to battle sodomy with “Leave it to Beaver.” When asked whether this wasn’t a waste of taxpayer money, Arkansas Education Department spokeswoman Sue Ann McCoy responded “Can you think of a better way to retard teenage sexuality than to get them to think about Rob Reiner and Sally Struthers having sex?”

Graduate students at Yale and Columbia are threatening to go on strike this week. The students have said that they will no longer teach any formal classes but will continue to educate freshman girls in impromptu human anatomy study sessions.

A recent probe has revealed that a federal disaster agency paid for more funerals than there were dead people in the last Florida hurricane. Jeb Bush warned the federal judiciary against getting involved and stated that he was committed to his state's "Culture of graft."

George Bush threw out the ceremonial first pitch at the home opener for the Washington Nationals. Before tossing the ball he declared "This ought to be as easy as a land war in the Middle East." The ball proceeded to fly high and wide of its mark, knocking over a peanut vendor's vat of boiling oil and causing approximately $89 billion in damages.

Oregon's high court has annulled thousands of gay marriages performed there last year. The majority of the marriage certificates were handed out to lesbians and their is a federal appeal pending based on the fact that requiring nearly 6,000 women to revert to pretending they have an interest in sex is cruel and unusual.

Jermaine O'Neal spoke out against a controversial decision by the NBA to restrict incoming players to 20 years of age or older. He said he believed it was a racially motivated policy. Commissioner David Stern dismissed the argument, stating unequivocally that the decision was motivated purely by greed.

A group of vigilantes is patrolling the border between Arizona and Mexico, calling themselves the Minutemen. When asked whether the name was a reference to the famous force during the revolutionary war leader Chris Simcox shook his head and stated that it was "Just something our wives came up with."

Tom Delay defended himself against recent allegations that his campaign overpaid his wife and daughter for services they provided during his run for re-election. Delay pointed out that the payments to his family was "Nothing compared to what we spent on whores!"

A recent comprehensive survey of female sexuality has revealed that Swedish women are the quickest to have sex with a man after initiating a romantic relationship. In unrelated news five NBA teams and the whole of Death Row Records has decided to relocate to Sweden.
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