Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Opening monologue, draft one.

Feel free to critique, or not, but remember that it's supposed to be spoken and is written with that in mind. Also note that I speak fast with a clipped New York accent so some of the longer transitional passages are there for proper spacing because I can race over a line in two or three seconds. I'm also not in love with this, I'm just working through possible routines and trying to develop material.

Props: 1 hat. 1 bottle of alcoholic beverage emptied out and replaced with bottled water.

Hello folks, my name is Ben and I'm a stand up comedian.

I'm sorry if that came out wrong, I just got here from my alcoholics anonymous meeting. *Takes a sip from the bottle of alcohol, then looks down at it.* Oh, no, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm just really into anonymity. I like a place where everybody sort of knows your name, but they're not really sure. 'Cause there are some names there that are sort of believable, like I went with Steve, which is, you know, possible. I could be a Steve. Anyone could be Steve. I'm looking out at the crowd right now and there's like at least three women who could pass for a Steve. Okay, one of them might be a dude in a dress, I don't know, but my point is it's a common name. On the other end of the spectrum are the people who don't really get the pseudonym thing. Like what are the chances of there being two Asian guys named Julio?

Yeah, I liked AA but I don't think I'll be going back there. Last time I went this I guy I know showed up at my meeting. And when I say I know this guy I mean I Haaaate him. We worked together for awhile and there was this girl we both liked, but she liked him. So I told her he had herpes. Anyway, we just don't get along. So he shows up and we're both using Aliases, but I'm stuck with Steve cause I'd been there before, and he goes with my name and starts 'confessing' all this shit about me to try and get my goat. So I start talking about a 'friend' of mine and talking about him. Long story short there were some blows exchanged and I accidentally knocked one of the Julios' glasses off and broke them. He was like "Maricon!" I don't think I'll be going back there.

Alcohol's not really my problem anyway. I'm more of a...well...I'm an eater. Yeah, big shock there. Orson Welles said that gluttony is not a secret vice and he was right. You can't exactly eat a ham off the back of a credit card in the bathroom stall of some club. Well you can, but from experience I can tell you that you shouldn't. Also, if you do try, cook it first.

Lately they've been trying to reduce the stigma attached to overeating by calling it an addiction. Because, you know nothing garners sympathy like an addict. I know that when I run into a guy shooting heroin on the front stoop of my building at 3 AM on my way back from a HoHo run the first thought that enters my mind is "Poor guy. He can't help it. It's not his fault. He's an addict." Yeah right. That's why we've got the war on drugs, right? To save the addicts from themselves.

My first thought is "If this guy goes after one of my Hohos, I'm gonna kill him." My second thought is "Mmm...Hohos."

I took the test, though, you know, to see if I was a compulsive overeater. It's such bullshit. Here, I brought it with me. *Pulls out a sheet of paper.*

1) You may be an overeater if you can't see your feet.

*Slowly leans forward, looking down, until bent in about half. Smiles.*

2) You may be an overeater if there are already crumbs on this piece of paper

*quickly wipes a few off.*

*Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a twinky. Unwraps it.*

3) If the thought of crumbs made you take a snack break after question 2, you may be an overeater.


4) Drop the twinky, fatass.

*Stuffs the twinky and paper back into his pocket with a look of disgust.*

It's hard being a big guy, though. By big, I mean tremendously fat, not sure if that was clear. It's tough. It's tough finding a girl, you know? I met this girl a couple weeks ago, real pretty girl, and she invited me to go sailing. I thought of her as my date, she thought of me as ballast. Everything went fine until we sprung a leak about a hundred miles off the coast of Maine.

It's hard to meet someone though, you know? I had a girlfriend for a few years but that's over. It ended really badly too. I'd just rented a new apartment and we were, you know christening it. Well apparently the floors weren't in great shape and there was a splinter. She...popped. *sound of balloon deflating It's a bad way to go. I tried patching things up but she was just never the same.

I've tried my hand at a few of the Internet dating sites too. I tried one, filled out a profile and everything, and I got rejected before I even got to see one woman's profile. They wouldn't even take my money. I was pretty pissed, my money's not good enough for them? So I filled out another profile, you know, with all sorts of false information and everything. It just said "Nice Try Loser."

Dating's hard for everyone, though. You know. My friend go this new girlfriend, she's a real knockout, a real stunner. I didn't know what he was doing with her. He comes to find out that she's a fugitive from the law. Apparently she's wanted in like 4 states for killing guys on their wedding nights, and he learns this like a day after he agreed to elope with her to Vegas. So he comes to my place all scared and he's like what am I going to do. So I asked him well, have you turned her in? And he says "No." I said "Well are you going to go through with the wedding?" He's like "Are you crazy?" so I said. "Oh. Well. In that case. Can I have her number?"

Thanks a lot, you folks have been great, which makes one of us.
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