Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Another monologue attempt. Another strikeout. Hopefully I'm like Adam Dunn.

I think this one flows better. I followed blorky's advice, and though it's still got lots of clunky spots I think it's an improvement, which is all I can hope for. It may take months of writing this stuff before I can get it up to actual comedian standards. That's okay. Lots of things take time, practice, and effort. That's life.

I love living in New York, New York is great, but sometimes it can get a little, you know, irrational. I'm not just talking about the guy sitting next to you on the Subway who thinks he's the king of Luxembourg and smells like the prince of Shitbourg, but just a whole range of things. For example, my building recently installed these "Low-Flow" toilets to get up to code. Bullshit! Those aren't toilets, they're chairs with holes in them, and like a few drops of water down there. If I had a dog he'd die of dehydration.

Anyway these low flow toilets, they clog constantly. I'm not exaggerating either. You may think I'm a big guy and that I tend to...drop a load as it were, but I swear this piece of crap crapper will clog up when I PISS in it. I'm not kidding either, I go up to the toilet, lift the seat if some asshole has forgotten to keep it up, yeah that's right ladies I keep the seat up. SCREW YOU! When I have my own bathroom that's how I want things. The whole operation should be as quick as possible, you go in, you drain the lizard and you're OUT! If the ball game's on commercial you can take time to flush. None of this fiddling around with the lid and the seat and lift and put down or ANY of that. When I have to take a crap I'll put the seat down, I'm going to be there for awhile anyway. I'm not afraid of falling in either. Why? Because I have EYES. I can SEE things. I don't even sit down on the bus without looking at the seat first, so why would I do that on a fucking toilet? I'm surprised women aren't constantly squishing small children on public transportation with their irresponsible sitting techniques. Maybe the liberal media covers up the rash of toddler squashings, I don't know. If you can't tell whether the toilet seat is up or down INSTANTLY by looking at it then YOU NEED GLASSES.

Anyway, so my toilet's clogged after I piss in it and I call my super. I'm like "Hello super," that's not his name but I'm changing it to protect the innocent, or rather the guy who can turn off my heat next winter, "Hello super, my toilet is clogged again." So he asks me whether I've plunged it. I stare at the phone like it's some sort of space alien and I'm like "No, I didn't PLUNGE it. I don't want to PLUNGE it, I want a toilet that doesn't CLOG when I PISS in it. I want to be able to urinate without getting it all over the floor. If I WANTED piss on the floor I'd piss on the floor. I am perfectly capable of deciding where I want my piss and TODAY it was not on the FUCKING FLOOR." So he asks me whether I'm getting enough water, like I'm dehydrated and my urine was too thick and that's what caused the problem. I'm trying not to totally lose it cause I mean I need the guy, plus I'm standing in a puddle of my own piss and it's not a strong bargaining position. So I'm like "Okay, if a toilet can't take SLIGHTLY THICKER THAN NORMAL URINE then it's not a toilet. It's a straw. It's a straw wielded by an asthmatic three year old" which I probably shouldn't have said because he has a kid with asthma who actually can't use a straw, but I'm angry at this point "I don't want to piss or shit or puke into a straw. If I wanted to do those things do you know what I'd have in my bathroom? A straw. A fucking straw stuck into the floor, not a big porcelain chair with a hole in it!"

So long story short now I have a straw in my bathroom where the toilet should be, but that's okay. At least I never have to worry whether the seat is up or down.

I love New York though, I really do. The one thing I worry about here is the terrorism. It's not just because we had 9/11, though that really SUCKED. It's also that if there's going to be another successful terrorist attack, it's going to be in New York. I mean yeah we've got this new federal security money, but most of it seems to be going to places like Topeka Kansas. I'm not worried about terrorism in Topeka Kansas. Nobody's worried about terrorism in Topeka. The terrorists go to Topeka for vacations. Do you know why? Because in these days of separate terrorist cells it's the ONLY place they feel safe from other terrorists. If anybody detonated a bomb in Topeka they'd take out like 4 farmers, a whole bunch of lettuce, and like 80 vacationing terrorists. And nobody would find out for like a week either. It wouldn't be until the next plane full of 'tourists' with names like Akbar, Muhammed, and Pete, I think he's there for some fertilizer convention, I don't know, ended up circling above the ruins of Topeka that anyone would realize what had happened.

There are some other spots that the terrorists could attack, maybe. They could go after LA, but really, who would want to spend enough time in LA to bomb it? And where would you bomb anyway? Hollywood? 'Downtown'? It's just a huge hassle. There's Washington DC, of course. But if they blew up Tom DeLay and company I would be the first in line to write a thank you note. That's not terrorism, that's a favor. They would be favorists. "Dear Islamic crazy person. Thank you for taking out Tom DeLay. If you've got time could you stop off in Southern California and take out either Ashton Kutcher or Ben Affleck? Just if you're not too busy. Thanks."

Nah if there's going to be another terrorist attack it'll probably be here, and I for one am scared shitless. We've already got this army of Islamic guys already swarming through our city in big yellow death machines. Seriously, if you've ever ridden in a cab you know that these guys aren't afraid to die, or to take you with them. They'll risk your life for like...thirty cents. What'll they do for 72 virgins? Plus they're well-funded. Have you been in a taxi recently? I think the meter's tied to the national debt. I hailed a cab to help me take a chair home from a Staples about a mile from my house. He asked for my destination and then he did a credit check. And I failed. The guy was nice though, he said that we didn't have to go by the meter. He offered to take me home for $ the chair.

A ride home from the airport costs, and this is not at all an exaggeration, a trillion dollars. A trillion dollars just go get back from La Guardia. My apartment's not that far from Kennedy, and I checked. It's cheaper to fly to France from La Guardia, fly back to Kennedy, and take the bus home than it is to take a cab.

I couldn't do it though, 'cause I'm afraid to fly. Anyone else get that? You're up in the sky about ten thousand feet and you're just looking around at the clouds and you get this panic and just wish you had a rocket pack or a parachute or SOMETHING? I just hate that loss of control, you know? It's not so bad when you're in an airplane, but otherwise...

Anyway, you've been a great crowd, and I hope nothing happens to you, so for god's sake take the subway home. I'm out. Thanks a lot.
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