Jeopardy super champion Ken Jennings forgot where he parked his car yesterday. He blamed the parking lot for using a simple numeric scheme instead of something catchy based on Chinese provincial rulers circa 1200 BC.
The selection of former Nazi Youthcorps member John Ratzinger as pope has caused some embarassment in hell. Satan issued a statement saying "I know I recently expressed outrage that my candidate for pope, the former nazi, was thwarted again by those god-loving liberals in the Vatican, and that this is, in fact, not the case. But in my defense...seriously? I mean really? At this rate the Antichrist is going to be a moderate!"
Arnold Schwarzenegger criticized American immigration policy today, saying that just about anybody can get into and stay in the country, including those who have admitted to taking illegal substances and are suspected of sex crimes.
Tom DeLay attacked Supreme Court Justice Kennedy's performance today, stating that not only is he a judicial activist but he's also anti-family, judging by the shameful lack of close relatives on his staff.
The CDC apologised yesterday for releasing a report that overstated the risk of obesity to American public health. "We're very sorry" said spokesperson Sarah Miller "Apparently that last zero was actually a smudge of chocolate."
A long-time Disney blogger was kicked out of the Happiest Place on Earth last month for running an unauthorized tour. Disney spokespeople said that theirs was a serious business and they didn't have time to talk about some goofy mickey mouse operation.