Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Sports 'humor'

If you don't get these it's likely because you're not a sports fan. That's okay.

1) Randy Johnson got shelled again yesterday. When asked for a reason a spokesman said it was an off-field issue. Apparently the Big Unit has been a little down since learning that he was not selected to be the next spokesman for Viagra.

2) George Steinbrenner stormed into the Yankees clubhouse after the loss yesterday and announced that their winning percentage was now an unacceptable .357. On his way out he stopped to whisper in today's starter Carl Pavano's ear "Just like the gun two masked men are holding against your mother's temple as we speak. I'm just sayin'."

3) The NFL draft is coming up and in the face of a weak field the 49ers have given us our first surprise of the event. Eschewing the big 3 Qbs they picked Teen Queen Lindsay Lohan, saying that she qualified under the expectation that they would select a spectacular bust.

4) The New York Mets hit 7 home runs yesterday, dwarfing their previous output for the season. Malapropism prone pitcher Pedro Martinez remarked that his teammates were just feeling "Bashful."

5) Ricky Williams is weighing a return to the NFL this year. Williams feels that there will be resentment towards him in the league, stating that if he plays against the Dolphins "My ass is grass." He added that he was still leaning towards returning because without NFL paychecks, "My grass is ass."

6) Vince Carter's playoffs hopes my be decided by his old team today, a team he outraged by stating that he didn't play as hard as he could have in Toronto. In an attempt to repair the breach Carter announced today that he did indeed give his full effort while playing for the Raptors, but that his scoring average was lower because of the exchange rate.

7) Michael Jordan was invited to the lockerroom before a Bulls game to give advice to current players. No word yet on whether that advice will include whether to double down on a pair of tens, or a list of names less conspicuous than "Ron Mexico" when checking into a hotel with a lady friend.

8) Mike Vick continues to refuse to talk about the Herpes allegations, claiming that the whole issue is something of a sore spot.

9) Barry Bonds' knee rehabilitation is coming along slowly. Bonds has said that it never took this long to recover from an injury back when he was using flaxseed oil.

10) Lance Armstrong has announced that this year's Tour De France will be his last bicycle race. Armstrong says that he will miss the race, but hopes to emulate the pleasures of sitting on a bike for 8 hours a day now that girlfriend Sheryl Crow has a strap-on.

11) Now that London and New York have been scolded by the IOC Paris has emerged as the front runner for the 2012 Olympics. No word yet on whether "consecutive days without bathing" will become an official event.
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