1) A young woman at Grand Valley State University doing a presentation on her most admired Italian American was honored when the subject, Tony Danza, came to see her give it. A disappointed Rudy Giuliani remarked "We were basically even until his new Talk show. That pretty much trumps the whole voice of strength for a shattered nation thing after 9/11."
2) A new study has shown that constantly checking your email is a greater detriment to your IQ than being high on marijuana. AOL CEO Steve Case was quick to point out that Pot isn't going to make your penis any bigger.
3) The inspiration for "Seinfeld"'s soup nazi plans to offer his own line of ready-to-heat soups. Company reps note that if you fail to follow the packaging guidelines precisely the soup pouch will self-destruct.
4) Zacarias Moussaoui has pled guilty to being part of the 9/11 conspiracy. George Bush calls for execution of his next door neighbor who "Definitely 100% has a gun on his property."
5) Dick Cheney warned the Democrats against using Judicial filibusters today. "If you filibuster our candidates we will drive this country into a ditch!" Aide later added the word "Further" to Cheney's statement.
6) George Bush was kept from making his Earth Day remarks by inclement weather. Bush stated that if the earth wouldn't behave he'd just pollute it more until it learned its lesson. He then spoke out in favor of his "Clear Skies" initiative.
7) The tragic death of Jessica Lunsford has inspired legislation to force states to keep better track of sex offenders who are not currently behind bars. Similar legislation was proposed for corporate criminals after the Tycho trial but was dropped when it discovered that that would require watching "All of them."
8) 11 women have come forward to accuse Bill Cosby of drugging and groping them. Cosby responded to the allegations by claiming that he was just pulling their pants up...twenty or thirty times in some cases.
9) 9 people died in a Baghdad Mosque bombing today, while Indianapolis Indiana more than 30,000 Star Trek fans gathered for the largest convention ever. In other news suicide bombers admit that they have horrible aim.
10) Paula Abdul has refuted claims that she's addicted to pills. Her publicist stated unequivocally that Paula's only addiction was to "sucking."