Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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You hate em but I don't care!

A company called Medtronic has paid $1.5 billion for patents related to spinal surgery. It's a big investment, said a spokesman, we just have to hope there are enough spinal injuries to justify it.

Madison Avenue and Broadway are teaming up to add advertising to Broadway musicals. "It'll be subtle, most theatergoers probably won't even notice it" assured producer Nigel Hawthorne, who is putting on a much-anticipated revival of Once Upon a Sealy Posturepedic.

President Bush has proposed defunding the nation's leading train-service, Amtrack, stating that the troubled transportation service generates very little money for Saudi Arabia and adds almost no lead to the atmosphere. His program to expand highways in order to accommodate Hummers will go ahead as planned.

A rash of exploding toads has struck Germany, baffling scientists. The government says that pollutants are suspected, probably a mix of Methane, Carbon Monoxide, and Jews.

Gun-sellers are claiming that the end of the Assault Weapons ban in September has not lead to increased gun sales. Crack dealers are urging the expansion of the experiment to their product.

John Bolton's confirmation process continues to be dragged out over a long period of time. The argument is over whether or not Bolton qualifies as a minority given that he is one of very few people in the world whose mustache is completely immune to hair dye.

The New York Times ran an article on Saturday announcing that Indonesians Tsunami amputees were facing a long hard road towards recovery. The article further stated that the road was even longer and harder if you're a one-legged freak.

Changes in Medicare policy will make it harder for beneficiaries to get hearings in front of judges when claims are rejected. When asked what other recourse the elderly have when in need of medical treatment a Bush administration spokesman noted that death was always an option.

Actor John Mills is dead at 97. On his death bed the widely respected thespian declared "I guess Comedy wasn't so hard after all, huh."

In Saudi Arabia a slate of conservative Islamic candidates has swept the elections consolidating the power of the Mullahs. Surprisingly a national referendum on allowing men to wear Western garb also passed overwhelmingly. The most popular new garment is expected to be the wife beater.
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