Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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More bitter, less funny, I know.

The Texas House voted today to ban homosexuals from being foster parents. Drunks and bigots continue to be acceptable.

9/11 conspirator Zacarias Moussaoui has vowed to fight the death penalty after his conviction on terrorism charges. Experts give him a pretty good shot given that he is neither retarded nor a teenager.

There was a minor lunar eclipse in the wee hours of Sunday Morning. In Washington, President Bush scrambled to cancel any moon missions NASA had planned, including the proposed base. Plans were reinstated after he noted that the natural satelite had "Magically reappeared."

Tony Garza, U.S. ambassador to Mexico, has married Maria Asuncion Aramburuzabala. President Bush attended the wedding and stated that while it was acceptable for American dignitaries to take local women as brides, by force if necessary, in the future he would prefer that in the future they have names he can pronounce. At the wedding there were several embarassing incidents when he tried to get his mouth around "Maria."

Bill Frist is planning to appear via videoconferencing at a religious rally against the judiciary called "Justice Sunday." Mr. Frist denied that his 'appearance' constituted an endorsement of the group's radical agenda, stating that he plans to keep a close eye on the Louisville proceeding from Washington D.C. in case any sudden injuries need diagnosis.

Tony Perkins, organizer of "Justice Sunday" has declared that the activist Supreme Court is a greater threat to America than terrorism. He later admitted that that was not accurate, blaming his ability to make the statement on the activist constitution.

The Kyoto Protocols have gone into effect, allowing for global trading of the right to emit greenhouse gases. Surprisingly the biggest buyer of the pollution credits, by far, has been a Latverian industrialist named Victor Von Doom.

New evidence suggests that the divorce rate is both lower than has been previously predicted and is declining. Upon hearing this news CNN's Larry King remarked "I'm working as fast as I can people! I'm just one man!"

In Iraq there has emerged what the Times calls a 'tug of war over truth.' Shiite and Sunni leaders disagree on everything from casualty numbers to whether or not specific crimes and acts of terrorism ever occurred. The political rhetoric has also gotten pretty nasty, with leaders on opposing sides accusing each other of "Lying like a Republican."

The Bush administration has proposed even more changes to the recently altered government food pyramid. Bush has called for a pyramid that more resembles the sorts of things he did in private business, such as one where for every piece of candy you eat you send $5 to the Republican National Committee and get 15 friends to do the same.
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