Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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1) 50 commuters were killed in a Japanese Rail accident today. By way of consolation the Chinese foreign ministry offered this statement: "Good."

2) The Army's investigation into the Abu Ghraib incident has cleared three top officials of any wrongdoing. A White House spokesman said that the rigorous investigation and its results have shown that the administration remains committed to passing the buck.

3) Reports say that Pope Benedict XVI prayed that he not be elected Pope at the conclave, but that God was not listening to his prayers. Which is, you know, a great quality to have in a Pope.

4) CNN reports that President Bush is pushing for more War Zone spending in Iraq and Afghanistan today. Said the President, "What those two countries need is more War Zones."

5) Black and Hispanic students at small Evangelical college Trinity International have spent two nights in seclusion after receiving death threats, apparently from another student. University President Waynright made a statement, saying that"Just as the crucifixion led to a resurrection sometimes a challenge like this can help an entity like ours become what it wants to be. A whites only college."

6) The nation's prison population continued to rise last year, by 2.3 percent. House Majority Leader Tom DeLay put the blame squarely on the shoulders of activist criminals.

7) An American businessman was bilked out of $800,000 when a con man sold him the Indian Prime Minister's residence over the Internet. The man was discouraged, but stated that he would not be homeless as he'd just purchased a sprawling estate on Washington D.C.'s Pennsylvania Avenue.

8) Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has announced the arrest of several U.S. Citizens on charges of espionage. Chavez added that he suspects Washington may be planning an invasion of his country. A White House spokesman scoffed at the idea, stating that "The United States of America does not invade oil-rich countries that do not pose a real and present danger." After the laughter died down the spokesman added "Anymore."

9) Elton John plans to marry his longterm partner David Furnish in 2006. President Bush expressed dismay, stating "Wait, the guy who wrote Tiny Dancer is GAY?" He then deleted the British Rocker from his iPod, replacing him with "The Very Best of Queen."

10) GOP Senator Arlen Spector has raised questions about the nomination of John Bolton for U.N. ambassador, questioning how he will relate to an organization he has claimed "Does not exist." President Bush calmed his fears, noting that "They had the same issue when I first assigned an ambassador to Candyland, and look how well that turned out."

Alternate take:

Reports say that Pope Benedict XVI prayed that he not be elected Pope at the conclave. That makes 4.5 billion and one of us.
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