Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Getting fired is a demeaning thing in many ways. You stop getting a regular paycheck, you have nowhere to go during the day anymore, and mothers whisper to their children as you pass, pointing you out as an example of who they should endeavor not to grow up like. Okay, that happened to me even when I had a job.

Anyway, with all the downsides of getting fired there must be some upside as well, right? It can't be all doom and gloom. Well there is, and that is that you don't have to spend many hours out of every day serving the whims of your economic overlord. You are your own, poor, person. Or so I thought.

Yesterday afternoon my boss called me from Los Angeles. He'd decided that he needed to put out press releases about his film's showing in Maryland, and my perky replacement was nowhere to be found, so he turned to me. It's always nice to be someone's second choice. Anyway I ended up going into the office around 4:30 and by the time I got the press releases ready to go out it was past 5. This meant that none of the Baltimore area newspapers or television stations were open for business. I ended up getting all the fax numbers off the Internet or by calling newsrooms and managed to reach all but two of them, however it took me until 8:45 PM. I was supposed to be writing yesterday, but even after being fired my time is still used up in thankless tasks.

Oh yes, and one more thing. All of the faxes were prefaced by a cover letter written by a Baltimore author. Her most popular book? "The SUPREME guide to Man-hunting." She's a dating coach on the side. When calling the newsrooms if they asked who I was I had to pose as her assistant.


Anyway, after I got home I called my mom, since I knew she'd worry because I said I'd be home to talk to her at around 7:00. I got through and explained what had happened. She told me that she'd thought about eating my sandwich that was in the fridge but had ordered Chinese food instead. That sandwich had passed its expiration date several days ago, so this was in order to 'shame' me for not having eaten it. She believes that allowing any food to expire is a sin against the god she does not believe in and the worst thing a person can do. She believes this has NOTHING to do with why I'm fat, though in my house growing up if you threw away part of your meal instead of eating it you were considered some sort of flagrant violator against all that is good in the world. Anyway, after that the following conversation took place.

Me: Okay, well it's almost 9 and I'm starved. I'm going to get something down here.

Her: Well you've still got your sandwich here if you want it.

(The expired sandwich. An hour away.)

Me: No, I'm really hungry. I'm going to eat down here!

Her: Okay. Well, I'll see you when you get hired...I mean home.

In case you don't know that's THREE, count them, THREE guilt trips in 2 sentences.

1) implied "You're not going to eat something healthy and you have this Sandwich!?!"

2) implied "You're WASTING perfectly good food. You are HITLER. A fat fat HITLER."

3) Freudian not-so-slip': "GET ANOTHER JOB!!!"

So yes, I do need to move far far away, but anyone who believes that there are people who can challenge a Jewish mother when it comes to guilt, I challenge you to beat that.

At least I got an idea for a script out of the whole debacle of a day.

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