Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Don't let it end this way

Wow. Methinks I had a bit of anger to get out this morning. It's kinda surprising how liberating it can be to spew invective even when you have absolutely no pretenses of correctness. I hope I didn't offend but I can't say as I would REALLY care if I did. Sometimes it's fun to tread outside the lines of politeness and morality, in a sort of conservative non-confrontational way. Kind of like rereading old comic books even as you pretend to be a true literature enthusiast (honestly now, I know nothing about that. I'm innocent. You can't pin nothing on me COPPER)

I do feel bad about my spreading lies about the British empire. What with their only 22 percent manufacturing economy and all the suffering in world war II and such they have enough to deal with already. I do know some actual stuff about the Englanders though. Their flag is called a Union Jack. Did you know that? How crazy. And their prime minister (It's kinda like a primal chieftan except no headdress) is Tony Blair of the Labor Party. I think. (I think he got re-elected, but I remember his name by thinking of a really good broadway version of The Exorcist. I bet you can figure out the rest of the method.) Over there they don't only have normal parties like Democrats and Republicans, they have all kinds of crazy other names. You know, like back when the U.S. was infested with Whigs.

It's surprising how nationalistic Americans are allowed to be considering the heavy taboo on racism. Closely related cultures like Canadianism are the most acceptable victims of our verbal abuse but pretty much any country full of white people is fair game. I'd think more about that except that then I might feel guilty for my denouncement of "Oh him, he's probably a CANADIAN! Check under his pillow for some moose droppings there to remind him of home!" After all I would feel guilty if I said "Don't trust him, I think he might be Chinese."

Of course anti-American sentiment is also quite popular and we are seen as uncultured fat lazy slobs throughout most of Europe. I'd formulate an argument against that except that I am trying to pick cheesecake crumbs out of my keyboard while paying attention to the hilarious antics of the Nanny at the same time.

The thing I liked least about David Sedaris' memoires is that he was so willing to make fun of others who were basically innocent of harming him. I am not quite so willing but I am not innocent of such crimes and I kind of wish that I was. He was a real jerk but you laughed anyway and that was another example of how most great comedy is based in cruelty.

Gabe was mad at me because of that time I turned him away from my door. I was kinda pissed at him too at that point but I stopped holding my grudge while he kept his going. That kinda makes me happy. If someone holds a grudge against you that means they care at least a little.

I want to be a good person and I think that I am on some sort of theoretical level. In practise it's not so neat. I mean I've never done anything that I feel truly guilty about but I have made mistakes like everyone else and done my share of damage. It's so hard to go through such a crowded life without knocking anybody off the subway platform. Damned near impossible, especially if you want to make a pretense at meaning. I feel kind of like after my little outburst I owe some honesty so I will say that that's one of the things that scares me, especially with regard to women.

I mean if you think about how easy it is to hurt someone or be hurt by someone who is an aquaintance imagine what somebody who you are supposed to make an emotional center of your life can do, and what you can do to them. Well most of you don't have to imagine.

As a side note I just broke off the left button on my mouse by clicking on it. I wore out my mouse. I really DO need a new computer heh.

Anyway people are socially clumsy animals and we step on eachother's feet all the time, so the idea of walking through life in a metaphorical embrace and not ending up with skinned knees and sprained ankles seems as much a fantasy as The Perfect Girl. People HURT eachother. We do.

Some days I almost want to be a hermit.

It might interest you that I got my first "So when are you going to meet a nice girl?" comment ever today from Dolores who is sort of like a surrogate grandmother to me although she just considers me a friend and is not afraid to use nasty language around me. There's something about a 70 year old woman saying "Fuck" which is at once disturbing and pretty cool.

I feel pretty good right now and I'm almost sorry for my earlier outburst. Almost.

But not quite. And I won't apologise for what I wrote.

Fuck that.

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