I got another missive (it's an improper usage of the word but I like flaunting my medium sized vocabulary so go copulate with your matriarch if you wanna call me on it) from the mysterious and apparently NEFARIOUS Dr.X. The bad doctor has apparently been showing my journal to associates of his and they are criticising it. That, for some reason, sets me on edge.
I mean it's one thing for someone alone in a room to see what I write and think "He's a jerk" or "What a fucking moron" or even "He's scum." That I can handle. I can even handle that person sending me a reply or an email or whatever saying "You're scum" or "You are a fucking moron" or even "You're a big jerk" (I added in the big for color. Not colour, color. Adding an adjective in the center, not centre, of a sentence can make it more exciting and memorable. If you don't understand what the fuck I am talking about feel free to say "WHAT?" but don't dare say "Pardon?") But the idea of a bunch of people actually sitting around together in a room and disecting my least mature thoughts and worst instincts is downright upsetting.
"Wow, isn't he a fucking hypocrite?"
"Yeah, I guess. I'd laugh at his flaws if they weren't so pathetic. He just makes me sick to be a member of his species.":
"Don't worry Jerry, you're not like him. You're SCADS better."
"Don't I know it. Hey it's almost time for our greenpeace meeting. You know how lost they get without us."
"Oh darn, I'm not quite finished creating a vaccine for HIV. Oh well, I guess it can wait till morning"
"Yeah. Don't forget to send out your thesis on how to bring minorities out of poverty and equal the playing field for all mankind. Prime Minister Blair is anxiously awaiting it."
"Oh yeah, so what should we do with this chump?"
"I dunno, I mean we could have him killed but what's the point? Such a pathetic scrub will undoubtably end up irrelevant and no threat to anyone. He's so stupid he thinks Hegel is a Jewish candy."
Such are the conversations I imagine Dr. X and his cohort "Stu" having at my expense. All that the Dr. said was that Stu thought I was only bagging on relationships so much because I can't get one. I disagree. While I certainly don't think I am anyone's gift to women or that I could easily find somebody to love me (A la the Jefferson Airplane song) I also don't think that my behavior is that of someone looking for female companionship.
I don't hit on girls, I regularly ignore things other people consider signals and I don't flirt. So Stu, I think that you're wrong. Put that in your monocle and peer at it.
Dr. X says that I seem to be very strongly against adultery for someone who has never even been on a date. This may be true but I think it is easily attributable to my father's very intimate betrayal of me and I don't think it's any inherent character flaw. Once bitten twice shy and you don't forget it when the person you care most about in the world says that they care more for something else (Be it death or some pretty boy's 10 inch cock) more than they care for you.
Dr. X asked what I'm studying and I gotta say that it's kinda spread out. I think 2 psychology classes, 1 sociology, 1 required lit-hum class that I took half of and aced so completely it contributed to my burning out of Columbia the first time I attempted it, 1 spanish course, and something else. Literature anthropology or something, I don't know. Haven't decided yet. Should soon.
P.S. I have been very careful in criticising Dr. X because of his apparent flightyness and I don't really want to drive him off, but I gotta say that I am not secure enough yet to get second hand criticisms from his cousin. If said cousin wants to communicate on a one to one basis with me, fine, but hearing that someone thinks I'm being an idiot is just squirm inducing. Please, if your cousin has any more "insight" about little old me just keep them to yourself. I realize that I have probably blown your identity to said cousin if said cousin ever looks at this part of the journal, but I'm really okay with that. A bit of subtle revenge for your little bash session. Anyway I am not aiming to drive you off to duckland, but I am just saying what I'm saying. Take it how you will.
Will write more later when life is a little different.