Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Cruisin' for a Bruisin'

Following up on a recent post, we learn that Tom Cruise is using his newfound love of incoherent shrieking in the press to promote Scientology rather than his movies or his newfound love, Katie Holmes, who is increasingly taking a back seat to his new status as America's craziest short man. Imagine you're Katie Holmes. Okay, golden_lotus stop running your hands over your breasts and tweaking the nipples. Seriously man, you're freaking me out! Okay, so you're Katie Holmes. You grew up wanting to marry Tom Cruise, back when he was the hottest young actor on earth, starring in huge hits like Top Gun and Risky Business. Now you're 26, just off a relationship with suspiciously squareheaded Chris Klein and Tom Cruise is calling you the new love of his life. He's chewing on your face like it was made of delicious taffy, and promoting the hell out of your relationship. But there's another relationship looming in the darkness. His relationship with Scientology, the only religion started by a man who said, on the record "If I really wanted to get rich I'd start a religion" is clearly a higher priority than his relationship with you, and what's more Scientology doesn't even have a movie coming out! Cruise is calling Psychiatry a dangerous cult and looking Kaczynski serious when he says it.

How do you feel about all this?

Poll #501805 Tom Cruise is Gertie's FAVORITE

How do you feel about being in a relationship with Tom Cruise right now

Fabulous, he's TOM CRUISE! Any time you can suck face with the star of Cocktail you HAVE TO CLOSE THAT DEAL
Pretty good, I'm more famous than I was a month ago.
I don't know. On the one hand he's so cute, on the other he's old short and crazy.
Sad, I was America's sweetheart. I sold myself to be the shadow of a brighter star.
Scared. Oh so scared. I didn't know I could be this scared.

Cruise clearly wants a new beard who will be less resistant to his nutiliciousness than Nicole Kidman. You find out you're pregnant with his baby. What's your first thought?

My GOD this child's going to be gorgeous
He'll have to marry me now
Uhhh...this isn't good.
I better find someone who can give this kid a good home.
There's got to be a Planned Parenthood in LA

How much have you lost in this transaction?

Nothing, I'm in love.
Just my dignity, I'm in Hollywood, it was going to happen eventually.
I'll never be looked at the same again.
My sanity
Probably my life.

Ultimately how do you feel about how this venture has turned out for you?

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