Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Ways to make me want to kill you

I'm not a particularly violent person. In fact those who know me have commented on my ability to keep my cool in a stressful or frustrating situation (this wasn't always the case) and to approach things with logic and reason rather than emotion.

There are, however, things that get my goat. There are things that make me very angry. Angry enough to kill? No. Angry enough to write a bitter rant on my blog. Oh yes. THAT angry!

The following things are Internet occurrences, many of them on Livejournal, that will cause me to want to flip out and kill the perpetrator. If you are a law enforcement agent in the New York Metropolitan area please do not construe this as an actual threat to flip out and kill anyone. If I do kill anyone I promise it will be with cold-eyed precision that will protect any bystanders. Unless the person commits a #1. If someone does a #1 you'll have to shoot me to stop me, but you should probably shoot them instead, because they SUCK.

The list:

10) Squee.

Motherfucka, PLEASE. I know there are some people who squeak like that in real life. If you are such a person YOU ARE DEFECTIVE. Don't worry, I'm not judging you. I'm defective too. I have a tendency to jiggle my leg when I'm sitting still, and I crack my knuckles. Here's the difference:

I DO NOT SHARE THESE DEFECTS ON THE INTERNET. If John Stewart makes you Squee that can't be helped. You're a sad case and I pity you. If you actually take the time to write *Squee* and then post it on to the Internet RUINING the information superhighway for everyone else,'re a bad person. I don't write *leg-jiggle* every 10 seconds. You see how that works? You can do something incredibly irritating in real life and yet NOT share it in cyberspace. Amazing.

9) Excessive emoticons.

Emoticons are like heroin, great in small doses but easy to overdose on. I've been known to use an emoticon or two now and then, but you don't need one every sentence. Is this how you communicate in real life, making faces all the time? No wonder you have no real life friends, they probably all think you have some sort of severe developmental problems. Also there is no need for fancy emoticons that display an expression nobody actually ever has. Do you grow cat ears and smirk in the real world? No? Then DON'T PRETEND YOU DO.

The basic rule of emoticons is that you use them sparingly when you'd use a facial expression in real life. For example if I were to say "Wow rpeate a million monkeys with a million cameras couldn't take a picture that bad in a million years. I think you just disproved chaos theory with a single snap of your lens, because something that hideous has GOT to be predestiny." in real life I would probably smile to indicate I was joking, so he would not take offense. Of course it wouldn't work, it'd just make him want to punch me in my grinning mug, but that's realistic. You see? True to life. That's how it's supposed to work. YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING CAT GIRL!

8) People who have 20 icons of the same television show with a bunch of angsty phrases attached to them.

Look, I totally get that you're into Buffy the Vampire Slayer. The fact that your journal consists mostly of lists of Buffy the Vampire merchandise you've purchased and references to characters leaves little doubt. Is that all you care about in this world? If so you need to broaden your horizons. Regardless WE don't need to see an animated icon of EVERY character with some banal line that will actually fit into the 100 by 100 pixel area. There are two purposes of user pictures, to identify you and to show something about you. That fails BOTH, because there are 1,000,000 other users with similar shitty angsty pictures of similar television shows, and it's hard to tell the difference, while we don't learn anything more about you from 17 of these pictures than we would from ONE.

IT'S POINTLESS. For an example of how to do it right look at iconoclast. He's absolutely OBSESSED with Stewie from Family Guy. He makes all his sexual conquests wear a foam football on their heads and speak in a British accent (though he did that before Family Guy even aired so...) If you refuse then he will NOT have sex with you, no matter how drunks he is! Despite this he has like 3-4 Stewie icons at one time, and a bunch of other stuff that tells us other stuff about him, like that he's super gay and wants to have sex with Donald Trump. THANK YOU.

7) Asking me why I'm always on AIM.

Fascinating as it is it has a simple explanation. I always leave IMer on in case one of my high school friends wants to message me, which they do with decent frequency. I am not always AT the computer, it just appears that way through the magic of DEVICES THAT CAN BE ON AND UNMANNED. That being said I am online quite frequently. Why? Well let's see. When one is trying to become a writer one ends up...oh...I don't know...writing quite a bit. Writing is done at the writer machine, which some call a computer, and is supplemented by reading and online research. This involves spending a lot of time in front of a computer screen. Since I type faster than approximately 97% of the human population I have time to dash off an IM to you and then do other things while you hunt and peck your response. If it disturbs you that I'm online a lot then you can just do a droid wipe on your IMer and forget I exist. WE BOTH WIN!

6) Hello, I am from an anime world!

No you're not.

You're not!

Look, there's nothing wrong with anime. I was into it for quite awhile and I can appreciate all the wonderful aspects that draw you in. That being said, they're fucking CARTOONS people. You want to watch them? Great. You want to go to clubs and hang around with other anime fans? Fantastic, people should share their interests. You want to dress up like Spike from Cowboy Bebop and go to conventions and walk around in a costume for 4 days? Fine by me. Who am I to judge what you do with your free time?

At some point, though, you're going to have to acknowledge that you actually live on Earth, that you know you're not Japanese, and that there is stuff going on outside the television screen. If all your sexual desires are fixated on two-dimensional characters you have a problem. Not a little problem either, a REAL problem. At least, at least, AT LEAST, drool over actual men and women dressed up like the characters. That's fine.

Related to this, if you use terms like Kawaii and -chan and the rest of that shit on a regular basis you are going to get an "Urge to kill...rising" response. Yes Japanese is an interesting language, and if you want to learn it and speak it that's FANTASTIC. Speak it to the Japanese!

5) Hitting on me

Just. Don't. Do. It. You're just going to confuse me. Yes I know lots of people use the Internet to form trysts and relationships and the like, but I am not such a person. You could even say it was a once bitten fifty times shy situation. If you think you are attracted to me YOU ARE WRONG. I am obese and jobless, AND I ADMIT IT! Maybe some day I will get my shit together and then you'll be like "hey..." and it'll be legitimate, but until then if you suggest that we should have sex I am going to assume you want to steal my liver AND I WILL BE RIGHT. Well guess what, JACKANAPES, this liver is staying right where it is. I LOVE it, I am a LIVER LOVER and you will not be getting it. Prey on someone else!

It's not you, it's me. I love my vital organs more than I love poonany. What can I say? Without my liver my gallbladder would be lonely and PATHETIC!

4) Half-assed trolling.

Yeah everyone hates trolls, but what I really hate is the troll who lacks dedication. If you want to check out my journal, decide my writing is hackey, post a message as such, then friend me, do not be surprised when I fail to friend you back or continue to write the things that you don't like. This has happened more than once. If you're going to be a troll, BE A TROLL. Be drederick. Come here, tell me I'm untalented, then post sexist comments every few months to rile up the womenfolk. COMMIT yourself. Only you can prevent lazy trolling.

3) The Support Group Mentality


WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE. It's only a question of when. Things go wrong and don't ever get well again. NOBODY LOVES YOU! These are incontrovertible facts. When someone announces they are in pain and then a swarm of well-wishers appears to issue inane statements like "I am praying for you" or "The goddess will intervene" or some mumbo jumbo it drives me INSANE IN THE MEMBRANE!

Say "I'm sorry for your loss" or "I hope things get better" fine. Crack a joke, fine. Don't blindly live in a world of fantasy where horrible shit doesn't happen. Leave that for congress!

2) Hugs

You can't hug someone over the Internet. Period. Don't try. You look like a douche. A stupid stupid douche. I hate you.

God how I hate you.

1) Lists

Lists are for IDIOTS. Especially lists of shit that bothers you or things you don't like. Shut up fatty, no one cares. Go eat some ice cream or something and LEAVE THE REST OF US ALONE. If I shot you I would be a hero to all mankind!
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