Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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You're explaining very patiently, I'm a problem, what to do with me

I've been thinking about ending this journal. I seem to always get back to the same two or three rather lame issues and even use the same language when discussing them. That makes me somewhat embarassed. Now if this was just a private paper journal it wouldn't really matter much. But I feel like I'm contributing to clutter on the web and wasting live journal server hard drive space and frankly I feel like a big dork (which I am). I've been emasculated by a guy named STUART for christsake, I mean what's next, a gang beating by a group of Percys Cecils and Wellingtons? There's something about snap judgements like that which get my goat.

I figured that people would find this journal boring, irritating, stupid etc. I also figured that those people would forget it and disapear for eternity into that hazy land where people who I'm never going to meet reside (I b'lieve we call it Topeka.) But now I have someone making a snap judgement and it being passed on to me like a stubbed toe. Stuart of the 6'4" shithouse frame and the slutty girlfriend who tried to make time with his dad has declared me hypocritical. That's such a personal assesement to MAKE about a human being. I mean it's one thing to declare someone stupid or ugly or smelly or whatever, those are rather simple judgements which can be true or false and are ultimatly pretty common. But hypocracy, that's a whole nother can of worms. To have someone say "You are engaged in an inner battle between something you want but can't have and trying to define it as something you don't want so you won't come up so lacking" that is a bit more impactful. And to have that same person point to his girlfriend who apparently resembles an amusement park in the number of people who can have a ride and say "This is the type of thing that you are desperate for" that gets right into the INSULTING area.

And it does get under my skin that Stu gets to head on off into the sunset and not think twice about what he said or me or life or whatever. I don't get to use my much touted but apparently inferior to a Welsch (or not) thug intelligence to deconstruct his argument and pick at his world view until he gets so irritated that he vows to sock me right in the teeth if we ever meet (Which he might do anyway thanks to my comment about his beloved girlfriend). Not that I want to communicate with dear old Stu, just that his anonymous derision makes me feel ever so slightly dirty and like this one sided outpouring of MY bullshit onto the world wide web might not be the best idea ever. I have no power over the other person, not even the sort of power that one has in a personal conversation or while ordering some cholesterol from a McDonald's clerk, which is to be an invasive jerk and disrupt the other person's rythm.

I don't know, I think I'm harping on this because I'm scared to pick my last class for this semester, especially since the Fiction Writing workshop is just STARING me in the fucking face daring me to select it. It's something that I know I would probably enjoy and get a good deal out of, but it scares me just the same. Also I know that I would go in the first day and feel like I didn't belong there because that's how I feel in every class. Like my being allowed to register was just some bizzare mistake and any moment the instructor is going to say "Hold on, Benjamin (my last name goes here but I'm not telling it to you cheeky monkeys) what the HELL are you doing in my classroom? Get out, and you're expelled from the school and I'm confiscating your socks and you're being castrated at dawn."

I think I'm PARANOID.

Oh well, I guess I can't avoid thinking about it forever. No time like the present to start...right? Cheerio pip pip and all that eh?

P.S. Why is it that other people don't like the Chris Isaac album "Speak of the Devil?" I can't understand. I ADORE this CD. It's got two songs which feature musical bridges that actually TOUCH me on an emotional level. His voice is SO magnificent and although some of his songs can seem bland and poppy he has a tendancy to write other songs which just blow me away. If anyone's interested the two songs with the bridges are "Walk Slow" and "Wandering."

Sure some people equate him to a boy bandy thing but he did write Baby did a bad bad thing and Wicked Game, so he does have a fair amount of angst. And what could be better than an angsty boy band (he's not one of those! I'm just saying that cause I thought it would be kinda clever. I already regret it okay?)
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