Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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And it's good I'm not angry

Let's be honest here, people love ranting. Whether it's that crazy guy on your corner talking about how he picks up alien broadcasts through the metal plate in his penis or just some dipshit spouting off about how women don't APPRECIATE him, and that chloroform is a sign of love, you love to watch people rant. And why shouldn't you? Ranting is a sign of anger, and anger is the path to the dark side, and the dark side is REALLY FUCKING FUN. The Dark Side is Princess Leia in a gold bikini and SWEET white uniforms that you never have to wash because storm troopers get FREE DRY CLEANING. People like the dark side, they like anger, and they love the rants. They love them.

So, without further ado: It's getting hot in herr so take out all your rage!

10) Tabloid newspapers

ENOUGH. Seriously. ENOUGH. You want to know why people don't trust the press? Why don't we start with the fact that the press that most people read isn't even CLOSE to trustworthy. Here in New York we have perhaps the most respected newspaper in the country, the New York Times, but we also have two incredibly shitty tabloids, the Post and the News. The Post and the News print two things, sensationalism and lies. That's it. Oh yeah, they also have sports puns on the back page. The articles for these shitty little tabloids are written at a fourth grade level and are generally about things that a fourth grader might be interested in. Local news of zero import or sensationalist garbage about celebrities and hangers on. They spread misinformation and actively promote ignorance and vapidity among their readers. Now I'm all for freedom of speech, but if you have that freedom why not try USING IT FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE. Printing the latest story in the Lindsay Lohan saga doesn't count.

9) People who think socialized health care is the devil

I absolutely abhor people who claim that the Canadian and British health care systems are letting people who need critical surgery die while waiting in line. This is demonstrably NOT happening. What is happening is that people in America are dying for lack of funds to pay for treatments. That doesn't happen over there. The American health care system costs more per person than any other health care system on earth. Why is this so? Because it's WASTEFUL. It pays enormous sums of money to the insurance companies as profit, and they DO profit no matter what lies they spin, and gets in exchange for that money arbitrary decisions on who can and cannot receive treatment, often based on what's profitable to do.

There's a REASON that life expectancy is greater in places with socialized medicine than it is in America. Can you figure it out? It starts with a socialized and ends with a medicine. That's a hint for you.

Now I'm not against rich people getting preferential treatment with medicine as they do with everything else. After all they're rich, as iconoclast would say they must be better than us, but it's not impossible to blend socialized medicine with private medicine. There are many models that would work. For example have doctors work 30 hours a week in public medicine and be free to do what they want with the rest of their time, thus enabling the really good doctors to make really good money and rich people to get that plastic surgery they DESERVE. There are lots of other potential systems that could work. On the other hand what we have now IS NOT WORKING. We die earlier than EVERYONE ELSE who has as much money as we do, and it's incredibly easy to figure out why. Because the conservative elite would rather have rich insurers than living poor people.

They're pro life!

8) God

There is no god, at least not that we have any reason to believe in. It's all made up. There is no one true truth about the world, at least none that we know. Old books are old books, period. They are not divinely inspired. Fighting over which fairy-tale you like best is stupid. Do something productive, like learn to play the clarinet. Clarinets are real. Clarinets sound nice sometimes. Seriously, if there was a Christian god then why would Hinduism exist? Why would he hide the truth from the Hindus? Was he just fucking with them for the last few thousand years? Is he just a huge fucking jerk?

Now if you want to believe in God on your own time and not try to push your crazy views on me I will view you as quirky and eccentric and that's fine. But if you start claiming that Christian morality should have a place in government, or that I need to "Get saved."

There is no god. Get over it. Buy a clarinet. You'll thank me later.

7) Constitution fetishists

The U.S. Constitution is a real purdy document, and I can see how some develop an erotic attraction to it. It's got some absolutely dynamite phrasing. On the other hand, erotic affection for a document is no basis for running a country, and it's time for us to admit as a country that we've actually learned something in the last 200+ years. Not just about things like that women should have property and that black people shouldn't BE property, but about justice freedom and the rest of it. We also have a country larger and more diverse than anything those rich white men could possibly have imagined.

If it was up to me we'd have another constitutional convention. It's way past time. We'd patch up inconsistencies, clarify vague wording, and make democratic decisions on necessary rights that the Supreme Court has been forced to enforce. That won't happen, but what CAN happen is we can stop pretending that the dudes who wrote our constitution were unchallengeable geniuses. They ALLOWED SLAVERY. Isn't it possible, just FUCKING possible, that they made a whole bunch of other mistakes too? Heck our most venerated founders, Jefferson and Washington, weren't even really involved in drafting the damn thing. Stop rubbing the constitution over your penis while dreaming of dudes in powder wigs and talking about "Strict constructionism." Listen to your boy TOM PAINE when he says that among the worst sorts of tyranny are tyrannies of the past over the present. Also, Bill Frist, shut the fuck up and go sit in the corner. Seriously. You're an idiot, and you're evil, and I hate you. I hate you. I really really hate you. hate. Hate.

6) Slutty women who won't put out for me.

Look, if you want to be a prude, or selective in your partners, or 'true to your marriage' that's one thing. I can't say I respect that, or believe it, but at least I can say "It's not me, it's that STUCK UP BITCH." That's all I really ask for, all I need. On the other hand if you're boning Joel from Human Resources, you know, the guy who always smells like Herring and has that odd growth under his eye that looks somewhat like a young Milton Berle, well then, what's the excuse there. If you're boning Joel and you won't give me 40 seconds (Less if you're not going to make me do all the work) in the supply closet that's just insulting. What's up with that? Help a brother out. I'm not asking you to go on a date, or to care about me, or even to remember my name. Just give me half a minute of paradise in the corner of the accounts payable office and we're good. Otherwise? YOU'RE ON THE LIST!

5) People who judge others based on sexual orientation.

The Bible is not objective. Let me repeat myself, douche bag, the BIBLE is not OBJECTIVE. Thus when your argument about why homosexuality is immoral rests on biblical interpretation it rests on...NOTHING. It's like Wile E. Coyote cruising along in mid air only to look down and fall and crash into a cloud of dust. Who other people have or do not have sex with is none of your business. What's that? You're tired of the homosexual agenda? Guess what Sparky, there IS no homosexual agenda. There's a "People should be able to be themselves without being persecuted or having their rights denied" agenda. You're tired of THAT agenda? Okay Adolph, fair enough, but can I just say one thing. You're a dumb fucking douche bag? What's that? No, no, you really are a douche bag. You are a bag of douche water. A woman cleaned her dirty filthy vagina with a bag of warm liquid and what was left after rinsing was the dirtiest cum scum in the galaxy, and that's you. That is who you are. A walking advertisement for abortion. Proof that sometimes god gets things wrong. Get used to it.

4) Bisexuals

That said; fucking Bisexuals, right? PICK A SIDE. It's a pretty simple procedure. You like soft creatures with warm wet holes? Then you like women. You like hard beasts who'll smack you around a little? You're a man lover. That's fine. But when you start vacillating between the two of them "I'll take some of this, and some of that" you go too far. Bisexuals are like those guys who, after you've ordered Chinese and everyone has ONE dish they can tolerate and peace has been achieved, decide they want to sample off everyone's plate because what they have isn't good enough.

YOU MOTHERFUCKER. If you want Moo Shu have Moo Shu. If you want General Tso's then order that, but don't be taking some of MINE. If you're going to compete with me for women, fine, compete. If you're going to comment on my ass that's fine too. But do both? No. I don't think so cowboy. YOU'VE CROSSED THE LINE, and if I had my druthers I'd put you down. PUT YOU DOWN LIKE A DOG. A bisexual dog!

3) Willfull ignorance.

I don't know everything. I'm sometimes wrong. But I try to educate myself the best I can on subjects that interest me, and I WANT to know more than I do. There are way too many people out there who are happy knownothings but still want their opinions to count. Guess what folks, they shouldn't. We have more ways to acquire knowledge than any humans that came before us. We have more leisure time than most to spend acquiring that knowledge. If you'd rather watch Dancing with the Stars than looking at the newspaper or reading books on economic theory then YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. I repeat. YOU ARE PART OF THE PROBLEM. There's nothing wrong with goofing off, god knows I do it more than I should, but basic comprehension of the issues of our day is not too much to ask. If Americans actually bothered to KNOW shit then our country would be in much much better shape. Just because you can be a lazy brain sink doesn't mean it's okay to do so. IT IS NOT OKAY.

2) Advertising.

Advertising is perhaps the worst thing happening in our society right now. It is corporate propaganda, as we know, and it exists only to convince people to make bad decisions. Think about it, when something's a good decision you don't really need to advertise it, right? I mean you might need a little publicity to get the word out, but then word of mouth will take over and people will make rational decisions based on the quality and price of the service being offered. This is how the market is SUPPOSED to work, and in that case it's a good thing. Advertisement tries its damnedest to counter this by getting people to buy what they don't want or need. It uses psychological tricks, distortions, lies, and even threats (If you do not have this life insurance YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE RENDERED DESTITUTE BY YOUR FUNERAL) to get you to do what it wants you to do. It fucks you hard in the ass without even PRETENDING that it's going to cuddle after, and it gets off on it.

Conservatives who love advertising because it lines their pockets, and that's what conservatives are really about, crushing others to get what they want, conveniently forget to mention its effects when they claim that the market has spoken. If you jam your hand up the market's ass and get it to mouth the words you want while you manipulate it with your fingers that's not the market speaking. That's you being a horrible horrible person.

People who work in advertising? Well, in the words of Tom Waits, they'd sell your heart to the junk-man baby, for a buck. For a buck.

1) People who need people.

Those lucky bastards, they're the luckiest people in the world you know, and I HATE THEM FOR IT! Those fuckers with their need for others and their love in harmony. Let me tell you something, you are born alone (except for, you know, your mother and all the other people) you DIE alone (Unless you're like in a plane crash or wiped out by some BITCHIN' pandemic) and in between life is a long string of loneliness and rejection tempered by FALSE HOPE. This is a scientific fact, irrefutable. Do you know what other people are good for? Hurting one another. That's pretty much it. Pain, suffering, anguish, PAIN.

But these people who need people fuckers, these pollyanna-wanna-cracker optimists wanna convince us that we can not only all get along, but learn, love, and appreciate each other.


Here's what we wanna do with these SHIT HEADS. Next time you see someone who seems to believe in peace, love, understanding, or the rest of that BULLSHIT you engage them in a conversation and when they start to say something sunny-side-up you give them a smack. I'm not talking a little smack either, not talking a love tap, not one of those smacks a woman gives a guy she wants to bone her when he gets a little fresher than she'd like. I'm talking a full on "That fat bastard just grabbed my ass in front of the king of England" face smasher. Then when Mr. I-need-people tries to respond to you give him the other hand. Just WHACK. His eyes should be watering at this point, so what you do next is jump on him and just start beating the living shit out of him. I'm talking eye-gouging, knees to the groin and kidney area, bites that need serious medical attention, the whole shebang. I want you to beat him badly enough that his family not only won't recognize him, but now finds him so hideous that they would deny it if they did. If he doesn't have to stay in the hospital overnight YOU AREN'T DOING YOUR JOB.

A few of these seemingly random beatings and these happy-go-lucky everyone love each other saps will learn the value of mistrust. They will become angry miserly shut ins who hate everyone and learn to fear the sun. In other words, people just like us. People who DON'T need people. People who are afraid of people. Scared. Scared to death of others.

That's all I really wanted in the first place.
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