Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Answers to life's toughest questions (CAUTION, OFFENSIVE CONTENT AHEAD)

It has recently come to my attention that not everybody enjoys my helpful suggestions on how they could live their lives better. This is shocking and disturbing news, and yet I bear it with the remarkable aplomb that you have come to expect from one such as me. Because I do not wish to deal with any more of the withering criticism I have been subject to (No Mr Benevento, YOU are the cut rate David Arquette impersonator with a face that not even Lon Chaney could love. That person is YOU!) I have decided to abandon the unsolicited advice racket. From now on I will give only solicited advice to people who ask me things. I will do so in the safety of my own journal where impertinence will not be tolerated. If you have a question you may ask it here or in the comments section of any other journal entry. If you do not then good day to you. Uh! Unh! I said good day!

And so it begins:

Ron from Boutrous Boutrous Bali writes:

Dear Ben,

I want to join the mile high club but I am not what one would call the ladies man. Is it possible to get a membership while...flying solo?

Dear Ron,

Yes, yes, yes, a thousand times yes. In fact, to be honest, a solo flight is a sign of an enterprising young man. Joining the mile high club with a beautiful and willing partner? That's something anyone could do, but it takes a special breed to sneak into an airplane bathroom and masturbate alone. Ron, from your letter I believe are you a member of that breed.

What you want to do when planning to pull a "Lindberg," as us connoisseurs call it, is as soon you enter the plane you want to look around for the most attractive female (If you're into them. You can substitute a male if you're feeling fruity.) sitting in your section. It doesn't matter if she's under 18, because you aren't going to touch her, so if you've always had fantasies about fresh meat feel free to fill them here. After you've staked out your quarry sit back in your seat and watch. Don't stare at her, that'll arouse attention, just watch her out of the corner of your eye while you read a book or something. Eventually she will get up to go to the bathroom (It helps if it's a long flight and you're in an aisle seat) and that's when you make your move. Follow her to the restroom line, getting behind her so that you're close enough to get a good idea of how she smells, not to mention the shape of her hips and buttocks. If the plane is crowded and a drink cart squeezes by or something you can even jolt forward and cop a quick feel, but I wouldn't recommend that for a beginner.

Wait until she goes into the bathroom and then lurk outside her stall. If another stall opens up before she's done let the person behind you go ahead. If they ask why you can make something up. Tell them that you're superstitious and this is the only stall you like to use on airplanes, or that you're waiting for someone. Anyway, if she finishes up quickly then that's your signal to go ahead, because she probably just urinated. If she takes a little longer you'll have to judge it on a case by case basis. I usually abort, but sometimes if I'm feeling particularly frisky I'll take my chances.

After she leaves the stall go in swiftly behind her and shut the door. Make sure it's locked, because nothing's more embarrassing than having someone barge in on you while you're...getting ready for takeoff. Face the toilet and pull down your pants, grasping your penis firmly, as you would in any standard standing masturbatory situation. Next bend down and sniff the seat. Remember that a beautiful woman's posterior has just been on this seat. Inhale deeply. On a particularly sanitary airline you might just smell disinfectant, but if you're lucky you could get a lingering whiff of her womanhood. Imagine her nude thighs touching the seat, the trickle of urine coming from between them down into the toilet, her gentle swipe at her sex with a piece of toilet paper, and begin to jerk. If you brought lubricant you can apply it here. Keep the image of her in your mind and jerk vigorously until you finish. If you want you can even bring a portable music player for added mood. Something smooth and sexy, you know, like Eddie Money. Something you might use to seduce a woman on the ground.

When you finish make sure to aim for the blue water in the bowl and flush away your shame. Next wash up in the conveniently provided sink, and leave the bathroom like nothing happened. If someone asks you about the length of time you were in there or the noises blame it on the airline food.

Congratulations, you're now a proud member of the mile high club, and you made the flight by yourself. Pat yourself on the back. When you're leaving the plane you may bump into your "inspiration" on the way out. Don't feel awkward, you did nothing wrong. Personally I like to bend over and whisper a thank you into her ear, along with a tasteful description of the act in question so she knows why she's being thanked. Then I fade into the crowd before she, or her parents, have time to react.

Good Luck Ron, I know you'll be flying the friendly skies soon!

Dear Ben,

I'm 13 and I don't think my penis is growing at the rate it should. How long should it be by now?

Confused Conor from Delmonte California

Dear Conor,

There is no one set length for a penis at your age. It's really a matter of how it looks in comparison to the rest of your body. Please send me several photographs, including front and both side profiles, at my new address. Ben the Answer Man C/O Michael Jackson Enterprises, Neverland, CA, 90831.

Dear Ben,

Is it just me or is Christopher Hitchens kind of a Jackass?

Christopher Hitchens, New York, NY, 10007

No, no, you really are. What happened to you man? Was it just the war in Iraq thing? Also the whole hard-smoking hard-drinking British guy thing is getting a little stale, especially since you aren't gay. Why aren't you gay? You really ought to be, it'd make act so much more tolerable. Think about it.

Love, Ben.

Dear Ben,

I hear that Apple is switching from its current chip architecture to the shitty x86 Intel architecture currently used in Windows machines. What up with that?

An Apple Lover, Philadelphia Pennsylvania

Dear Apple Lover,

Please write back to me when your crappy computers come with a mouse that has more than one button or I start giving a shit. Either or.

Thank you,


Dear Ben,

Katie Holmes is now being followed around by a posse of Scientologists. Is she still bangable or is she too crazy to want to fuck?

"A Dawson's Creek Fan" Steventown Alabama

Dear Dawson's fan. First of all I hope you are a lesbian, because if you are a dude who liked Dawson's Creek AND you want to bang Katie Holmes you are a FREAK. That show was for gays and chicks ONLY, period. Secondly, unfortunately all sexual fantasies about Katie Holmes have been canceled until further notice. If you attempt to bang her, even if it's only in your mind, Tom Cruise will appear to you in a vision and lecture you for 45 minutes about the evils of psychiatry and how he has PERSONALLY cured people of drug addiction, HIV, Cancer, gunshot wounds, and beheading through Scientology, and how every other branch of medicine is complete crap. Then he'll make you promise to watch War of the Worlds, which has Dakota Fanning in it, who you hate because she's too precocious to not want to kill.

LEAVE KATIE HOLMES ALONE. She's not worth the hassle anymore.

Yours truly,


That's it for today folks. I await your questions with baited breath!
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