Then I realized something. Not even George Bush would reward underlings for incompetence lies and treachery. Not even George Bush would abuse the public trust like that. It had to be ironic. Think about it. What does a Bushie fear most? That's right, freedom. Freedom from fear. Freedom from tyranny. Freedom from the oil barons. Medals of freedom? More like medals of shame.
So I got to thinking, dangerous I know, what other ironic medals could the government give out to show its appreciation for the people who are fucking up this country? I came up with a few options for you to vote on, each featuring a prize as well as a medal, and at the end you can suggest your own. Let's get started, shall we?
The Federal Reserve Medal Of Financial Management
The Medal: A tastefully gilded engraving of 3 men in suits shoveling cash into a bonfire.
The Prize: A working American Express credit card preloaded with $8 trillion in debt, with a $30 trillion limit, customer name "Citizens of the United States of America."
The requirements: Recipients for this award must have shown a strong interest in and dedication towards bankrupting the American treasury through short-sighted and counterproductive policies. Bonus points if you repeal taxes that apply only to the super rich, like the estate tax.
This one goes to, among others, President George Bush for forcing through his mammoth tax cut while adopting the "Drunken sailor in a whorehouse" strategy for military spending. His advisors and allies in congress can also share the credit for a fiscal strategy that turned America from a country with a significant budget surplus to one with a deficit so deep even Mc Hammer is advocating that we slow down the spending just a little. Good job fellas, enjoy the award. Remember that you can use the card for cash advances at any ATM, which you can hand to any ex-enron executive you like and AMERICA will foot the bill!
The Supreme Court Award for Excellence in Judiciary Matters
The Medal: A man lynching a federal judge.
The Prize: A copy of Birth of a Nation, a film that shows the right way to behave when those activist judges forget their place. Also a white robe, and some high quality nylon lynching rope.
The Requirements: You must have done everything in your power to not only undermine the judicial process but actually threaten the lives and wellbeing of judges just trying to do their jobs.
Bill Frist. There was stiff competition for this award, a lot of big Birth of a Nation Fans in the United States congress, but Frist wins out primarily for using his credibility as a surgeon to undermine the judicial process in Florida. Discarding the painstaking fact-finding process of the Florida courts he made his own diagnosis via videotape (as all good doctors do) and stated that the judges were condemning a disabled woman to starve to death, helping to rile up already angry lunatics and put the fear of god, or at least his loyal minions, in a bunch of those activist judges who insist on enforcing the law. Frist later threatened to use the charmingly named "Nuclear Option," rewriting 200 years of Senate history, unless the Democrats allowed the Bushies to appoint some of the most ideologically driven and reactionary judges this country has ever seen to the federal bench. For his next act Frist is expected to form a posse and go after David Souter for betraying his conservative roots by voting according to the constitution and his conscience instead of with god. Way to go Billy Boy!
People's Medal of Bravery in the Face of Adversity
The Medal: A tasteful rose-quartz vagina broach.
The Prize: A lifetime supply of Vagisil. The cream that every pussy needs to stay healthy and fresh.
The requirements: Must have shown an extreme tendency to pussy out whenever challenged and roll over like a well-trained dog as the Republicans push their fascist agenda through.
The entire of the Democratic Party, with the sole exception of Howard Dean. Since the democrats have been as quiet as tit-mice regarding the big important issues of our time, and have reaped absolutely no political benefits for their submissive behavior, they deserve the Medal of Bravery, nick-named the pink pussy award. Almost every Democrat can wear his or her pink pussy broach knowing that he or she has earned it by failing to protect the vulnerable and weak in our society from the vicious assaults of the right. Now some may argue that making the award a vagina and offering Vagisil as the prize is disrespectful towards women and entirely inappropriate. This is true, but who’s going to stand up for the rights of women? Certainly not the Democratic Party. Certain local Democratic politicians, like Gavin Newsome, may not deserve the award, but we have a feeling he, for one, won’t mind.
Congressional Women’s Caucus Award for Achievements in Feminism
The Medal: A barefoot pregnant woman cooking a hearty steak.
The Award: A copy of every video in the tasteful documentary series “Black Dicks, White Chicks.” A whippy willow beating stick, in case the little lady gets out of line in the future.
The Requirement: Must have worked tireless to return women to their previous state as second-class citizens, a step-down from their current situation as one and three quarters class citizens.
The entire Bush administration wins this one by a landslide. From promoting faithfulness over condom use in countries where women routinely get AIDS from their husbands to working tireless to make sure that women who get pregnant bear their children like they should, to supporting Dr. Hager’s appointment to the FDA, one wonders how they have the time to fuck up the middle east with all the woman-bashing they manage. For those of you who don’t know who Dr. Hager is, he’s the author of the book As Jesus Cared For Women . He’s also, according to his ex-wife, a habitual rapist and forced sodomizer of any woman he happens to be married too. How did Jesus care for women? Apparently by violating them in the anus while they were KOed by narcolepsy, and treating his wife like a prostitute. This man was part of the group who got to decide whether the morning after pill should go “Over the counter.” Way to go Hager! Way to go Bushies!
They’re pro choice. Women have two choices. Christian Marriage or Spinsterhood. PICK ONE.
Certificate of smarterer voting
The Medal: A lapel pin with “I support Al-Qaeda’s favorite president” written on it.
The Prize: A certificate stating that Wal*Mart and Exxon own your vote.
The requirements: Must vote against your interests and the interests of the country.
All Americans who voted for George Bush will receive this tasteful award for helping to make sure that the fires of terrorist rage remain fully stoked against the United States, and that our country will fall faster and faster from its seat of prominence in the world. Bonus points if you make under $100,000 a year and you actually contributed to the Bush campaign for spending money to have money taken from you. Points off if you can read.
Congressional Medal of Sodomy
The Medal: A platinum medallion featuring a man fucking a horse in bas relief.
The Prize: 30 minutes alone in a room with Rick Santorum while he shares his views on "Man on dog sex," which are both plentiful and delightful.
The Requirements: Given to the member of congress who spends the most time obsessing over gay sex and other forms of sodomy.
The recipient: This year it was a close race but unfortunately Barney Frank was unable to match the dedication and creepy fascination of the eventual winner, one Senator Rick Santorum. This will, of course, result in Rick Santorum spending yet another Thursday night locked in a room alone talking about man on dog sex while fondling the testicles of his Shar Pei and promising Schnookums that "The gays will never touch you in that way, NEVER." We didn't plan it that way folks, it just happened. Maybe next year the result will be different, but, let's be honest, probably not. When it comes to spending every waking hour thinking about sodomy Rick Santorum has got the market cornered.
Government Medal for Realistic Thinking
The Medal: A big silver head surrounded by clouds
The Prize: A share in the company that produced Segway Scooters
The Requirements: You must have ideas about the future based purely in fantasy
The recipients: There was a lot of competition for this one too, including people who think that the rapture’s coming any day now so environmental conservation is foolish, and those who think the PATRIOT act is actually patriotic, but the winners are people who believe that John McCain can save the Republican party from itself. The idea that there is still room in the party of fools and fanatics for social libertarians and people who believe in fiscal sanity is not just foolish, it’s HILARIOUS. Gays? Jews? Scientists?
The big tent is closed folks. If you think that you can turn back the tide, well, this medal’s DEFINITELY for you.
What medals would you like to see?
What would you put down as other? Extra submissions can go in comments.