Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Answers for the masses

It's that time again, time for more answers to the questions that plague mankind by mankind's greatest genius. Me.

If you missed my last installment you are a fool and there is very little hope for you in this world. On the other hand if you are a loyal reader you know that you are free to ask any questions you might have at the bottom of this entry. Therefore this paragraph serves no purpose except to mock the no-hopers. Consider yourselves mocked.

Dear Ben,

I enjoy threesomes. However, I find that quite often there is disagreement over who gets to be the "middle man" in a gay threesome, i.e., the person receiving penis in both his mouth and his anus. Obviously there can only be one middle man unless you switch around a lot, but even the coveted spot leads to resentment because sometimes it's hard to figure out who will go first. What is the proper etiquette for assigning positions during group sex?

Robert " iconoclast " Gayenstein, Bumfuck, Arkansas.

First of all I want to make it abundantly clear that there is only one appropriate way to conduct a threesome, and that is with two beautiful women as bookends and me there in the middle. Anything else is a travesty. It becomes more and more of a travesty as you add more men, men who are not me, to the picture. For example a threesome of three women is a minor travesty, along the lines of wearing mismatched socks or the invasion of Grenada. One not-me man and two women is a slightly larger travesty, along the lines of a Chinese restaurant that doesn't give out fortune cookies or the rule of Chilean dictator Augustin Pinochet. Two not-me men and one woman is a major travesty, like the Vietnam war or the cancellation of Wonderfalls, and a tri-man pairing is equivalent to the second world war, or Brett Ratner being rich and famous, the greatest travesty of them all.

Why is a tri-man encounter such a travesty? Because it goes against god and I can't jack off to it. I want to make it clear that I do not approve of such intense sodomite action, nor can I claim that is legal under the United States penal code. The penal code may forbid it. You'll have to check the penal code. In my opinions it should be strictly Verboten and if you were to participate in such a sexual encounter more than a couple times, you may be classified as a gay. I just want to warn people that once or twice you can look the other way on, but get involved in enough three-man sex experiences and you could be considered a homosexual.

That being said if such a threesome were to occur, hypothetically, there are ways to reduce, if not eliminate, potential inequities of cock. Here are the top 5.

#1) The all-oral threesome.

This one is displeasing to some, but is the only absolute surefire way to make sure that nobody goes cockless. In this scenario you need a large bed, or other fucking surface, and three relatively limber men. Next you arrange yourselves in a sort of triangle, with each man sucking on another man's penis. This may require some careful positioning, but nothing too acrobatic. It is also absolutely egalitarian in its distribution, especially if you go until each man reaches orgasm, retire for refraction and a light snack, and then go again swapping positions, this way each man sucks each other man's cock and has his cock sucked by each other man. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with that.

#2) Attribute selection.

This one is pretty simple, if not fair. The man with the biggest cock goes in the middle, the man with the second largest goes 69 on him, and mini-me brings up the rear. Since Harry Huge's whole cock isn't going to fit into anybody's mouth Mini-Me can perform a reach-around and stroke the protruding part if such is his desire, unsatisfying as it may be. This, by the way, is where the expression "Getting the shaft" comes from. Little historical note.

#3) The pay for play method.

This one's a little sleazy, but it works okay. Whereas the previous method relied on whoever brought the biggest cock, this one relies on the wallet. Whoever brings the most financial muscle to bear gets to be the filling in the manwich. It can come in the form of buying drinks, paying for the hotel room, bringing the drugs, or just cash on the dresser. Some gay threesomes like to hire an auctioneer and auction off each position, with the loser getting the lion's share of the cash to spend on shoes or whatever homos do with money, who knows?

#4) The circle of friends method.

This one obviously doesn't work for one-night affairs, but it can be functional if you have a long-standing group of friends you like to get together with and ride the wild pony with. It's easy as pie. Switch off and share. If you're in the middle one night you're on the edges the next two, simple as that. A lot of gays are incredibly greedy, because they are morally corrupt and evil people, but with a little coaxing even the queeniest fag will give in to fairness. When we all cooperate we all win, whether in the workplace, the home, or a hot gay sex-a-thon.

WARNING: If you routinely get together with friends for gay threesomes you might have a hard time convincing others you are a heterosexual, no matter how butch your shoes are.

#5) The guy with the gun makes the decision.

There is only one scenario where this one works, and that's the fairly typical gay couple gets barged in on by a drifter with a high caliber handgun who demands that they perform sex acts on him even though he's TOTALLY straight. In this case whatever the armed guy says goes. If he tells you to lick each other's feet while he spanks you with a carpet beater you do it. Why? Because he has a gun. HE HAS A GUN YOU DUMB MOTHERFUCKER. Just do what he says. I didn't and now I DON'T HAVE A LEFT LEG. They had to amputate. So you do what he says. You do what he says and hope he doesn't hurt you.

I hope that this has cleared matters up Young Rob. I should add that these are just temporary fixes for a real communication problem. It's best to talk these things out beforehand, to know what each partner wants and what he can handle. Sometimes there are gays who aren't comfortable with anal penetration, and some prefer to focus on a single cock at once. Communication is always key, even when you're melting into an erotic pile of testosterone infused flesh, feeling the rough touch of male skin against every part of your body, your cock throbbing with excitement and pleasure. Even in that situation, communication matters.

That's just a little heads up from your friendly neighborhood answer man.

Dear Ben.

Does size really matter? Or are women who like big dicks just a bunch of size queens with vaginal insecurity issues?
My friends say it really does matter. I'm not quite sure.

Dorothy " leopardprints " Pureheart, Don't Go Back To Rockford, Illinois.

Dear Dottie,

OF COURSE SIZE MATTERS. Are you joking woman? Size is very important in a penis and anyone who tells you different is a dirty liar. On the other hand, it's not exactly how you think. Women these days don't want a big cock. The human vagina isn't designed to accept anything over 3 centimeters in length, and 1.5 in girth. This is a medically proven fact. You can't dispute it. Because of this, the truth is, smaller is better. It's like cellphones or laptops or anything else. Women love guys whose penises look like fleshy acorns perched atop a pair of hairy walnuts. That way the sensitive and delicate flesh of the vagina doesn't get ripped apart like it would with some big three-inch brute. Small cocked men are also more likely to buy you nice things, and to have a really nice car. It's every woman's dream.

Oh yes size matters, but bigger is not better. Great things come in small packages. Or in some cases, such as mine, tiny tiny nearly microscopic packages. That's what women really want. I guarantee it.

Dear Ben,

What's up with global warming?

Steve Miller, Millerton, New York.

Dear Steve,

Global warming is caused by witches. Period. Fucking witches keep screwing things up for the rest of us. BURN THEM! BURN THEM! Actually burning witches releases greenhouse gasses, so really we should like bury them in sand or lop off their heads or drown or something. Whatever, the point is that witches are to blame and they must be punished for their transgressions against god and nature.

Dear Ben,

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

Tonya Stevens, Fantasyville, Kentucky

Dear Tonya,

Just like thee, they long to be, close to me.

Dear Ben,

You suck

Marty, Kellerman Memorial Cemetery

Dear Marty,


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