Kyle Martin always thought of himself as a pretty normal teenager, the kind who liked skateboarding, hanging out with his girlfriend, and yeah, maybe a little beer from time to time. Back in December of 2004 Kyle started feeling a little unusual. He got dizzy at seemingly random intervals and he found he couldn't concentrate for more than a couple minutes at a time. Kyle's parents noticed that his grades were slipping and he seemed to be spending a lot more time in the house, much of it zoned out in front of the television or sleeping. This wasn't the Kyle they thought they knew, so in January of 2005 they took him to the family doctor to get some tests done.
That's when Kyle Martin discovered he was gay.
The actual diagnosis was type II diabetes, but his doctor, Cody Skipperson, assured him that the cause was, in fact, homosexuality. "Recently the Bush administration has issued new guidelines about diagnosis of some fairly common diseases. It turns out that a bunch of conditions that we thought were genetic, bacterial, or caused by environmental factors are, in fact, side effects of homosexuality. It's really been a breakthrough in the medical field."
Dr. Skipperson is not alone in expressing excitement over the new government regulations of medical diagnosis. Dr. Samir Patel, head of emergency medicine at North Hackensack General Hospital, believes that the new guidelines will revolutionize the way he does his job. "Take a case I had the other day." Says Dr. Patel. "We had a woman brought in by her husband with a large open wound in her abdomen. She was bleeding profusely and her husband said that she'd been shot. Now normally I would have taken his word for it and diagnosed a gunshot wound, but with the new Bush doctrine I was able to think outside the box and diagnose what was really going on with her. Advanced lesbianism. She didn't need surgery, she needed to acknowledge that sexual attraction should only exist between a man and a woman. I took her into an operating room and chanted in her ear "Stop lusting after women. Stop lusting after women."" Dr. Patel gets a sad look on his face as he describes what happened next. "She didn't make it. I guess in the end she cared more about homosexuality than she did about living. I wish these people could see what I see. When I went into the waiting room to tell her husband that his young beautiful wife hadn't loved him enough to stay alive, well, it broke his heart."
Not all doctors agree that the new regulations are a real boon. "I don't think homosexuality is the cause of all disease in this country" says pediatrician Lori Chambers. "I see young kids every day who have Cancer, or Leukemia, or some other blood disorder. Are you telling me that these children, some as young as 18 months, are gay? I don't think they even know what that means." Dr. Chambers paused for a moment. "Maybe their parents are gay, sure, but not the kids themselves. I guess what I'm saying is I don't think someone has to be gay to get sick, just being around gays could be enough."
Dr. Patel disagrees. "Sick children are responsible for their own problems. It is ridiculous to blame the parents. I had a son, Peter, who died of Tay Sachs disease, which is very unusual among Indian children. My wife and I are a happily married couple, we are not responsible for what happened. Our son was gay. I don't know why he chose that lifestyle, but God punished him and him alone for his transgression. Don't blame another person's sickness on my dead gay son."
And that's what it's really about. God's wrath. Dr. Skipperson agrees. "Do I think that God is punishing Kyle Martin for his sins of the flesh? Absolutely. What else would be going on? His body failing to properly regulate insulin levels? Ridiculous. We've been treating diabetes with insulin for decades and we have yet to cure one case that way. The only way to cure diabetes is through loving God more than you love yourself, and loving a woman more than you love any man. I told Kyle that, and I hope he listens to me. Diet and exercise aren't going to help him. Heterosexuality will."
For his part Kyle Martin remains optimistic that he can get things back the way they used to be. "So far I haven't been successful, in fact I feel even sicker than I did before I saw Dr. Skipperson, but now there's a light at the end of the tunnel. I keep praying to God to give me the strength to love my girlfriend and not men, to heal my soul and with it my body. I'm sure that one of these days he will hear my prayers and give me the help I need. I trust in God to cure me and I trust that Danielle and I will have a life together after I put this homosexuality stuff behind me. I truly believe that."
The Bush administration stands firm on its new regulations, saying that it will not budge from the truth. Spokesman Scott McLellan explains.
"We will not back down from the new recommendations we have issued to doctors regarding treatment of patients. This has been a thoroughly researched issue and we stand firm in our recommendations. Stem cell research? More funding for hospitals? Regulation of pollution? Those are just snake oil formulas that the liberals have been peddling to take attention away from the true threat, homosexuality. It's a scientifically accepted fact that God created life on this earth and only He decides when it is to be taken. Nothing offends God more than to violate his precept of one man and one woman being the only appropriate pairing for humans. You want a causal link for disease? There you go. We have long known that homosexuality destroys lives, but now we have conclusive evidence, handed down by God to George Bush himself, that it takes them as well. America is a sick country, but it's not because of mercury in our fish or sulfur in our air. It's because of unnatural lust in our hearts. Lust caused by the homosexuals among us who push their agenda at great cost to everyone else. When you love another person of the same sex you love only death. It's as simple as that. Will & Grace is Satan worship on network television. And don't even get me started on the nigg-"
McLellan went on to say that the Bush administration was going to push back pollution controls in virtually every area now that it had proved conclusively that such environmental protections were wastes of time and taxpayer money. Any funds taken from the EPA or other organizations will go towards censorship programs for the schools and airwaves, to protect America from the gay menace. Chemical company stocks skyrocketed on the news. Meanwhile in Iraq where 13 soldiers died in heavy fighting the official cause of death was changed from enemy fire to "Homosexuality." According to the army the gunfire was just a catalyst, those soldiers died because they loved men more than they loved God. Dr. Skipperson sums it up.
"For the longest time mankind has blamed external causes for our troubles. Cholesterol causes heart attacks, the sun causes cancer, blunt force trauma causes hemorrhaging. Those are just excuses. You truly want to know why we are a sick society? Why we are not living up to the promise of what we could be, to the image of ourselves we have in our own minds? We shouldn't look outside for external causes. We should look inside. To our hearts. To our hearts."