And I'm used again and I don't like it. I feel like he's singing me a pretty song to hide the ugly truth and just asking me not because he thinks I am a smart person or a competant person but because I have a connection to the school he wants to go to. But if he's not.
Round and round we go, to trust or not to trust that is the question, whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous behavior or to shut oneself off, to trust no more, and in such cynacism we dream lonely dreams.
Another user made a comment on the journal telling me that they would "miss me" if I stopped posting. The thing is I have looked at their journal and they seem to dislike preppy college kids, a catagory I could easily fall into (I don't dress quite well enough to be a prep but I did attend a high school called a college preperatory program, and I am definitly in the nerd/geek vein) and so I am more than willing to believe that this person is in league with Stuart Smiley in their mockery of my Inner Self(tm). This does not gladify me.
My mother is reverting to her evil self under the stress of her work. It does effect me a little to be around someone that hateful but I can deal with it except on a physical level. She interupts constantly to bray like a donkey about some minor issue she could handle on her own.
I dunno, I'm really warped about the begining of school. Need to take a few deep breaths and let it all flow over me. Hate builds like something hard and cold in your hand and if you hold on to it too long you are GOING to hit somebody in the mouth with it and chip a tooth. Hate is not useful when you are not actively being persecuted. Let it go, let it go, let it all go.
Ohm and all that shit.
I want to scream
Not a cry of pain or hopelessness, not a civilized cry, but something more primal. The cry of the hunter, the cry of the warrior. I want to run a man down, leap on to him, and tear into his flesh with my fingers and teeth. To feel his skin rip in my mouth and the hot blood spray out across my chin like war paint. To roll with him across roots and rocks and grass and mud and feel the pain and the softness as one. To pick up a rock and hit him until he's dizzy and can't really stand up. To watch him turn to me with nothing but rage and to bash it out of him. To hurt him and have a reason for it.
I want something to fight that's real. Something where we're not supposed to be on the same team and our battle has no ramifications for anyone else. I wish I hadn't been born in this time or taught to respect other people. I wish for once I could give my rage free reign.
I want to be a MAN in the bloody savage stupid sense.
On a side note, the other day I was hanging out in some Yahoo games room and some chick asked if only she and her friend wanted to talk or if everyone else in the room was too stupid to do so.
Then when I told her that nobody wanted to talk but that didn't make us stupid she called me stupid because I'm male.
Bigger mistake. There is nothing I relish more than a girl who buys into her being superior because of her gender alone. It provides an opportunity to do battle and to win. In the end of my little conversation she pretended that she was her teacher taking over her terminal and told me that I was obviously well educated and one day I would realize how important that was or something. I considered it a victory and I savored it.
This is part of my attitude towards women and part that I don't like to admit outside myself at all even though inside I am consciously aware of it on a rather deep level. It is humiliating and it is something I'm not so sure I want to change.
Ugh. I so don't want to type this.
I don't WANT to.
Please turn away. I'm about to piss in public. Don't watch. Go read PVPONLINE or something. Just LOOK AWAY.
Somewhere along the line I developed an attitude which is basically that all relationships with women are combatative. A struggle for dominance. It's....not a good thing. But it's the framework I tend to slip into. It's probably the main reason that I avoid females in all walks of life. I HATE the fact that I'm that way. It's so messed up and unhealthy not to mention unfair.
I think it comes in part from the brand of feminism practised by my mother which is the "Anything a man can do a woman can do better" brand. So everything tends to be a competition with me to prove I'm not inferior just because I'm a man and have had the advantages that come with being a white male.
Oh well. There's more to it but I'm afraid that someone might still be reading.
I am finally okay with nobody loving me. It took awhile. I think that's a good milestone. Other people's love shouldn't be essential to my happiness. Not if I want to live my life M way.