Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Beds for boys

My fellow Americans. In the wake of the recent Michael Jackson acquittal there has been much talk about whether justice was served or not and what will happen to Michael next. I don't care about those things. Instead I ask one simple question.

Where will the boys sleep?

For almost 20 years young boys have relied upon Michael Jackson's bed as the one place in the world they could get a good night's sleep. Literally hundreds of boys flocked to Neverland to ride the ferris wheel, eat cotton candy, and get a good night's sleep in Michael Jackson's bed. Now that bed is closed to them, closed forever, and yet it seems that nobody cares about where they will go to get the sleep they need.

Americans as a whole suffer from a sleep deficit that runs into the tens of billions of hours every year. Boys are responsible for at least %40 of that deficit. When a boy isn't sleeping well it spells trouble for him and those around him. He's more likely to try drugs, gain weight, and engage in premarital sex. Sometimes even gay premarital sex. A good night's sleep is critical to a boy's development, and in this country there are millions of boys who aren't getting the sleep they need.

From 1985 through 2005 there was help for these boys. A place they could go to get the rest they needed in a safe and welcoming environment. Michael Jackson's bed. Cuddled up against the warm bosom of Michael Jackson, his spindly pale arms wrapped around them like a gossamer blanket, these boys could drift off to sleep secure in the knowledge that the boogie monster was far away, and that they were loved. It was a glorious thing, and Michael generously opened his heart and his bed to hundreds of young boys in need of his caring ministrations.

Now? That's all over. Due to harsh treatment by overzealous prosecutors Michael has been forced to close his bed to these desperate and needy young boys. Where will they go? It isn't clear. Some will surely choose dangerous sleeping places, like warehouse floors covered in broken glass, train tracks, and active volcanoes. You know how boys are. We are risking the health and well-being of an entire generation. A generation that will grow up without a safe and comfortable place to sleep. A generation that will grow up angry, fat, and gay. It's a catastrophe in the making.

But you can help.

By opening your bed to a needy boy you can help stave off the dangerous under-sleeping of our male youth. By welcoming a delightful young man into your home and bed you can make the world a better place. Please, call us now, at 1-866-555-5555. That's 1-866-JKL-LKJL. Or you can leave a message on this post indicating your willingness to take in a wayward boy and teach him the joys and the pleasures of co sleeping with a loving adult.

Oh, and, no queers please.

Call today, our lines are open, and there are boys in need. Please don't delay. Call us today.
Tags: humor unedited
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