Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Celebrity through the window

Hollywood California June 15th 2005

Hollywood California, a city of glamor and excitement. The movie capital of the world, the place where mere mortals ascend into the sky to become stars of the silver screen. Hollywood has seen a lot of changes through the years. From the early days of silent cinema and mysterious silent stars, through the golden era of the '30s and 40's, the rise of the talk show and then the tabloid, and the continuing evolution of the public relations machines that keep us all enthralled and excited about the latest loves and losses of our favorite celebrities.

Today Hollywood is seeing yet another adaptation in its lengthy process of evolution* as a city. It is becoming a city of bubble men.

You see there have always been bubble people among us. Mostly young boys with devastating immunodeficiency diseases who had to be segregated in a sterile environment so that they might live. Several films have been made about their travails, staring such luminaries as John Travolta and Jake Gyllenhaal. These movies brought the plight of the bubble people to our attention and entertained us with their heartwarming tales.

But now the ranks of the bubble men are growing, and they are growing mostly with celebrities. You see with the advent of high definition television celebrities must be more and more careful with their appearance. A single scar or wrinkle can ruin a career when it is broadcast into millions of homes blown up 10 times in crystal clear high-def. Sharp objects, diseases such as acne or chicken pox, and even the rays of the sun now threaten every actor's livelihood. The response has been almost unanimous. "Get me in a bubble."

The first celebrity to "bubble up" as they say was teen sensation Chad Michael Murray. Murray has lived in a bubble for almost 2 years now, and he says that it's not that different from living in the outside world except that you can't touch anyone or anything, and you have to eat through a small valve in the side of your bubble. Still Murray wouldn't change it for the world, especially since learning that his arch-rival Christopher Pine recently suffered a disfiguring scar almost 1.2 centimeters in length during a game of Monopoly gone horribly wrong. (Pine's spokeswoman will not release the details, but rumors have it that there was some sort of tussle over who got to be the battleship.)

Following Murray were such Hollywood luminaries as Alicia Silverstone (Bubble woman for 7 months) Bridget Fonda (5 months), and Matthew Perry (Nobody knows). Each has sought to protect him or herself from the ravages of the world with a thick layer of clear plastic. Other celebrities considering the lifestyle change include Madonna, Lindsay Lohan, and several power couples who are thinking about commissioning special bubbles that would still allow for genital to genital contact with a fellow star via a series of complicated hatches and, at least in one case, a dumbwaiter.

How has the paparazzi reacted to the bubbling of Hollywood. "I for one am for it" said Vincente Patrini, an Italian sleaze bag photographer. "The stars used to be able to punch you if you got to close or take your camera. Now they can just sort of roll in your general direction, easy to dodge. Plus you would not believe how easy it is to obtain valuable urine and fecal matter from their waste hoses."

As the bubble people continue to multiply there is no foreseeable end to this trend. As one star put it "Look, I'm tired of breathing the same air as the uninsured, the unemployed, and even the homeless. It's like, society has long put me on a pedestal, why not in a protective plastic bubble? While I wait here on Earth for the special moon base to be completed I might as well have some sort of defense to all that horrible disease out there."

Of course bubble life is not all rarefied air and dumbwaiter sex. There's a dark side. For one thing the bubble's computerized atmosphere cleansers tend to make pot smoking a uniquely unpleasant experience, and for another some directors have balked at allowing a bubbled star on to their movies. "Okay, I can't have my lead actor wrapped in like cellophane. That doesn't work." Says notoriously picky auteur Alexander Payne. "I can't even get a mic in there to pick up what they're saying!"

Others don't find this an issue. "Dialog is for losers" says famous producer Jerry Bruckheimer. "In fact I'm not going to talk anymore in this interview, I'm going to communicate through images." He then adjusted his package, stood up, started flapping his arms and making "Vroom vroom" noises for about 15 minutes before leaving in a car made of solid gold.

Whatever your opinion on the trend of the bubble people one thing is sure and that is that it's here to stay. "I never felt safe around the poor before" said recently bubbled Paris Hilton. "Now I know I'll never have to touch one. It's a real sense of security." She then rolled off, accidently missing her turn on to the freeway and plunging into the Pacific ocean where she floated for an hour before being rescued by a helicopter. Yes Hollywood is the land of dreams and stars, but it's a constantly changing place as well. Poker yesterday, bubbles today, a moon base tomorrow. Tinseltown is never the same for long. Sorry if that, bursts your bubble.

*Evolution is a theory not a fact.
Tags: celebrity, fake news, humor unedited
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