I'm not trying to write about an irritating night though. Today is the first day of school and I feel semi-alright about it. I bounce back a lot better these days than I used to. I used to hold on to grudges and anger and hurt and I kinda...DON'T anymore. I don't know, I always used to think that gripping injustices done to you with both hands was a good thing. It was something I cultivated. But I don't know if I agree with that anymore. Not that I believe in forgive and forget or anything, but it's just that holding on to anger hurts you at least as much as the cause of your anger. I used to be willing to pay that price. I'm not anymore. I can't anymore. I don't have the strength to hurt myself like that just because somebody else has hurt me. I don't have the energy to resent actively.
I really don't know if all this is good or bad though. It makes me more vulnerable to use and abuse but at the same time it makes me happier. I've always said that the stupid and ignorent are the happiest of all people, is that what's happening to me? I used to pray that I would turn stupid and normal. I would offer that prayer up to a god who I didn't believe in and then retract it like 5 seconds later cursing myself for my weekness. Becuase I'd rather be satisfied than happy. I care more for pleasures of the intellect than pleasures of the affect.
Gah, these kinds of thoughts don't go anywhere and I already feel pathetic enough for the week so I don't need to humiliate myself further in front of a world which could be full of nobody or a cadre of thousands of laughing people taking equisite pleasure in my troubles.
I'm listening to the only soundtrack type album I have besides Annie Get Your Gun (which was purchased for school) which is The Beavis And Butthead Experience.
I still like it. A lot.
Apparently I still have a long way to grow.