Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Whores for Christ

Hello and welcome to Whores for Christ, the only American brothel founded on the teachings and principals of Christianity. I'm so glad you could join us.

A lot of Christian churches steer their followers away from sex. They say it's dirty, unclean, and that the bible puts strong prohibitions on sexual activity. For the most part we agree. Sex for pleasure is wrong, it's using what god gave you to create children with to fulfill your own hedonistic desires. Sex for money though? That's a different story.

It's a well publicized fact that Jesus consorted with a prostitute named Mary Magdalene. Most accounts have it that their relationship was platonic, a pure friendship that showed Christ's ability to forgive even the most grievous sinner. If you believe that one I've got a bridge in Brooklyn to sell you. Sure Christ fucked her. Over and over again. He fucked up against the wall, standing on her head in the middle of the kitchen, and one time even had her give him a hummer under the podium while he was proselytizing. Christ fucked that whore so hard that she could barely walk for three months after he DIED. He put the wood to her but good.

Why? Well for one thing Mary was a slice of grade-A prime ass. Nothing but the best for the son of god if you get what I'm saying, and I think you do. For another she knew how to fuck. Experience is an excellent teacher. But it was more than that. Even as she was teaching him about things like the Cleveland Steamer and how to execute a good Donkey Punch, he was teaching her how to serve him...religiously.

What is the number one thing one needs to have true faith in god? Humility. Recognition of your small place in the world and his magnificence. And what's more humbling than serving 12 apostles and one savior's carnal lusts in a giant holy gang bang? Not much, let me tell you.

And that's what Whores for Christ is all about. Getting you to love Jesus, because you hate yourself. Stripping away that earthly pride so that you can instead experience heavenly love. A lot of women these days are proud of themselves, proud of their bodies. They have ripped abs and fake breasts and they think that they're really something in this world, something important. That's the road to hell. It starts with self-respect and ends in blasphemy. Now take a whore. Not a high class prostitute but a whore, the kind who finds herself servicing a one-eyed security guard in some warehouse so he'll let her steal a crate to sell for cocaine. Does she have a high opinion of herself? No. It's hard to think highly of yourself after you suck off an obese 50 year old diabetic for a couple snorts of blow. She probably hates herself, and what she has become. "I could have been something" she says "I could have been someone. Instead I am nothing. Worthless. An object to be used and discarded like a piece of tissue paper or a moist towelette."

We want to take that wonderful self-loathing and give it a Christian spin. Here at Whores for Christ we believe that you can't truly love God until you hate yourself. And hate yourself you will. After only a few short weeks most of the girls we take in have performed acts so filthy, so despicable and unmentionable that they are begging Christ for his grace and forgiveness because they know that wherever they go in this world they will carry the taint with them. Isn't it glorious?

Once we've broken them down we can build them back up and make them holy. Only after a woman has known what it's like to be intimately groped by a series of literally hundreds of middle aged Japanese businessmen can she know what it's like to walk with grace. We provide that service. Do we profit off of it? Sure. But as men like James Dobson and Mel Gibson have shown us there's nothing wrong with making money while doing Christ's work. It's a whole lot better than teaching heathens how to read or helping them vote. Whores for Christ is not about the money, though. It's about the look on a young woman's face after she leaves the bedside of an incontinent geriatric and is ready for the loving arms of the only man who'll have her now. Jesus.

Check out our FAQ below. Browse our website,, and then, if you're comfortable, call our toll free number and see about whether you could qualify as a whore for Christ. You can also email us at Potential clients can contact us via Don't delay, call today. Jesus is waiting. To pork you.

Q: Is it really possible to transubstantiate semen?

A: Yes. We sell vials of transubstantiated semen on our website.

Q: Isn't that kind of gross?

A: No. It's awesome.

Q: What do you do with the money you collect through Whores For Christ?

A: Some of it goes to our living expenses, but most of it is used to help pay hush money to young boys abused by priests.

Q: Is Whores for Christ technically part of the Catholic church then?

A: No. Shut up. Don't ever say that.

Q: Do we get to keep any of the money?

A: The whores are allowed to keep up to %40 of their earnings, plus tips. This is a business where people give you a lot of tips.

Q: How do I know this is not just some sleazy attempt to get me to join your brothel so you can make money?

A: I am shocked and appalled. We would never do such thing. We are Christian organization.

Q: But how do I know that other than you just saying so?


Look at this face. Would it lie to you?

Q: It might.

A: No it wouldn't!

Q: It could.

A: Are you calling me a liar?

Q: Perhaps.

A: Fuck you.

Q: No, fuck YOU.

A: Look do you want to make up to $500 a NIGHT?

Q: Yes...but-

A: And do you want Christ to love you?

Q: Of course.

A: Then what's to doubt?
Tags: humor unedited, jesus
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