Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

  • Mood:
  • Music:

Strifeless gonads

You can't call women ballsy because they have no testicles. I learned this the hard way. It turns out that not only do women have entirely distinct reproductive systems with nary a testicle in sight, but they do not have hidden testicles either. They can be pretty insistent about this. While this most clearly represents a public health crisis, it represents another problem too. A linguistic problem. For a long time personal bravery and strength of character has been talked about with reference to testicles. It turns out that this is sexist. Women can have personal bravery and strength of character but they cannot have testicles. In fact by definition there are only three things a woman cannot have. A penis, testicles, and above average driving ability.

So we need new words. Either androgynous words for bravery, or a set of separate but equal phrases that can metaphorically match the unique and inferior reproductive system of the female to that of the male. Naturally, since I am the man who rediscovered the word winsome as a replacement for lovely, this task falls upon my broad shoulders.

Initially I had high hopes for a direct one to one comparison. After doing some scientific research research I learned that there were womenparts that were directly comparable to balls. They are known as ovaries. I attempted to put my discovery into immediate action, coming up with a few exemplary phrases, such as "Gee that Condoleeza Rice reminds me a lot of Hitler. She must have cast iron ovaries." Or "Condoleeza Rice is destroying our credibility in the world. Ovaries like grapefruits." This did not go over well with my professional focus group (Okay it's my mom) so I went back to the drawing board. The problem ovaries, besides the whole weird bimonthly egg production thing, is that they're internal organs. While a man with big brass balls can just drop his pants to let everyone see them, a woman with brass ovaries would have to be weighed, X-rayed, or perhaps poked really hard before anyone would know. That's not a sign of strength and virtue, it's a medical condition.

The thing is that women have very little in the way of exposed genitals. They've got part of the vagina, the labia, the clitoral hood, and that's pretty much it. Well you can't go with cast iron labia, you just can't, and claiming a woman was swinging clitoral pipe would be kind of confusing. Clearly this wasn't working. It was time for me to think...

outside the box.

What's the essential nature of the "Brass balls" metaphor? Is it size? Hardness? No. Those are just ways in which we express the important message, which is that people who have a particular kind of strength and virtue, posses magical genitals. By sheer force of strength and testosterone the sponge like material that fills with blood to create the hardened penis is transformed into metal. The sperm producing organs inside the scrotum become brass. It is not the nature transformation that really matters, but merely the fact of it. Being brave changes the very nature of your reproductive systems. Women can be brave. Women have reproductive systems. We don't need a tungsten womb or carbon composite fallopian tubes. Metal metaphors can be the domain of males, whose reproductive systems are essentially semen delivery platforms. Women's are designed for receiving semen and delivering babies (the necessary added mass arrives through osmosis.) They are closer to digestive systems than missiles. And then it hit me like a moneyshot. What the woman metaphor needs, my friends, are teeth.

For the vagina to be strong and powerful it needs a way to cause some damage, like a big steel dick would. What better way for a vagina to assert its might than through teeth? Think about it. "That Condoleeza Rice is destroying the fabric of our very society. She's got a pussy like a pit bull." Or "Jesus Christ I hope someone assassinates Condoleeza Rice before she makes things even worse for us. She's got a tiger 'twixt her legs." "Her pussy could strip the flesh off your bones and still have room for dinner." These metaphors indicate strength and power, but are uniquely female and, I'd like to think, a little bit...feminine. True it might turn off some men to think of a vagina filled with row upon row of glistening razor sharp teeth, like a shark's maw, but do you think that women the idea of spheres of brass being rammed against their genitals over and over, or being violated with the big piece of PVC that some dude might be said to be swinging?

So the next time a woman does something brave or outrageous don't call her ballsy. Her testicles are as undeveloped as her ability to get ready for dinner in under 90 minutes. Instead say she's got a vulpine vulva, or a pussy like a steel trap. She'll appreciate your recognizing and respecting her gender. Trust me.
Tags: humor unedited, women
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

    When you submit the form an invisible reCAPTCHA check will be performed.
    You must follow the Privacy Policy and Google Terms of use.