Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Funkmueller knows all

At approximately 3:07 PM on Monday June 20th 2005 Herbert P. Funkmueller discovered absolute truth at the Texas Taco stand on La Cienega Boulevard in L.A.

"I was just sitting there, eating a delicious taco, reading some literature that Pastor Gus had given me, when I realized I know the essential nature of the universe." Funkmueller took another bite of his overstuffed burrito before continuing. "You know it's great knowing everything, really takes a load of the mind. Like this burrito, why's it so delicious? Cilantro? No, it's 'cause of Jesus."

Funkmueller has claimed ultimate enlightenment before, once upon reading a Chick Tract he found near the unleaded pump at a gas station, and once during a particularly intense session of marijuana smoking, but this time he is confident he has it right. "Those other times were mistakes, sure, but what does that have to do with anything? When you're dealing with ultimate truth the past isn't relevant. I know what's real. Pastor Gus wouldn't lie, he didn't take an 8 week course in theology to dick me around."

Since becoming enlightened Funkmueller has taken a dim view on those whose beliefs differ from his own. "Idiots, all idiots. They're going to hell if they don't wise up. Hindus? Muslims? They don't know squat about ultimate truth. And what about those Baptists? Can't get dumber than a Baptist. Hell for them I tell you. No mercy. They're going to burn." Funkmueller also takes a dim view on those who argue that there's no evidence for his version of the truth. "No evidence? I have a bible. It's a book. It is almost 2000 years old. No evidence? What more do you want? Those scientists with their lies about the 'evolution.' Have you ever seen evolution? Pastor Gus told me that the world is only 6,000 years old, but they want to say there were dinosaurs millions of years ago. Poppycock. Dinosaurs roamed the earth with early man. It's obvious. Nothing could kill something that big except for God, because he's even bigger."

Over a pitcher of Sangria Funkmueller scoffed at claims of those who argue that others have claimed ultimate enlightenment in the past only to be proved wrong. "Yeah there were mistakes made, but those were in the past. People who say that we'll look back on the way we've treated gays as equivalent to segregation are just liars and idiots. Look we all know now that black people are like anyone else, but gays? They choose that lifestyle, and that's not a choice any sane man would make. Whatever they've got coming they've got coming if you know what I mean. Yeah everyone who has claimed ultimate enlightenment before me has been an idiot, but I'm right. Aquinas, Newton, Jefferson? Morons morons morons. They didn't know anything. You got to get up earlier in the morning than that to pull one over on old Herbie Funkmueller I'll say that. I know everything about everything important and my opinions will never change because they are all exactly correct and you can't say otherwise."

When asked what he intended to do next Funkmueller said that he might have another taco, because they are pretty darn good, and then go to a synagogue or Catholic church and yell at the morons there who just don't get it like he does. After that he said he might send a warning letter to "them Chinamen" informing them of the eternal hellfire that awaits if they don't shape up and worship Jesus exactly like he does. Then a nap, and maybe a nice BBQ dinner. He said he'd leave that last part up to Jesus.
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