Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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The Descent of Stan

The Ghost of Charles Darwin appeared this morning outside the offices of Klinghofer publishing, giving quite a fright to a scion of the family named Peter Klinghofer. "Oh I always knew something like this would happen" said Klinghofer "I never trusted Charles Darwin and his finches. What man in his right mind is going around looking at the bills of finches on tropical islands? There was always something fishy about that."

Darwin, for his part, surprised many by announcing that while he still maintained confidence in his animal and plant work his claims of humans having evolved from apes was, in his words, "Quite the load of bullshit." Darwin's Ghost explained. "Look, it's obvious that humans are individual designed by god down to the last mole or third nipple, and set forth on this earth with Divine purpose. Everyone knows that. No, I actually had a different book in mind, the Descent of Stan. Stan Melvin Reynolds of Quinton lane in Bristol actually. I always thought he was a bit monkey like, and when we were in school together he used to taunt me about my dog. 'How's it going with the Beagle, Charlie? Where's your Beagle?' That sort of thing. So I decided to write a book about him called The Descent of Stan and how he came from monkeyfolk. But then my publisher wanted it sexied up so we ended up writing about the whole human race. Sorry about the confusion." When asked whether Stan was actually descended from apes, Darwin's Ghost confirmed that his suspicions were correct. "Oh yes, he had monkey blood in him there's no doubt. He was hairier than Robin Williams." This information quickly leaked to the schoolmates of Reynolds last living relative, a Timothy Wheeler of Bloomfield Illinois (his mother was killed in a fruit stand robbery gone bad) whose playmates immediately began to taunt him with cries of "Monkey Boy, Monkey Boy!" and "You're a monkey, monkey boy." Darwin's Ghost apologized for this, but added "Well he is." He added that there may be more monkeyfolk out there, but probably not. "It's likely just Timothy. He's probably the only one in the world descended from a monkey."

Darwin's Ghost was next interviewed by a religious author excited to know what hell was like. "Oh, I wouldn't know. I'm in heaven." he said. "Turns out God isn't nearly as picky as these wankers make him out to be. Everyone's up there, from Martin Luther to Pol Pot and Hitler. It's actually not all that big and you bump into the oddest folks all the time. Yeah heaven's got a real open door policy. The only real rule is that you must be dead, and no queers. It's not that Jesus hates queers it's just that up there the showers don't have dividers installed and as I believe Sir Francis Bacon put it 'you don't want to be soaping up and worrying about whether the guy next to you is peeking at your bum.' Queers go straight to hell. It's ironic really, because they could come to heaven if we had individual stalls, but of course there are no interior designers up there. Sort of a catch 22."

When asked why, then, God had made homosexuals Darwin shrugged. "I don't spend a lot of time with him, he's got fierce halitosis, but from what I understand the whole earth building project was quite a strain on the big guy. He was under a deadline and he had to paint all the spots on the leopards by hand and such, so, long story short, he did a lot of meth. Six days, no sleep, and enough drugs to kill a lesser deity, of which none exist, of course. Anyway by the time he got around to humans he was really baked and thought it would be funny if some of them were a bit...odd. That's also why the bible is so fucking incoherent, he was dictating it from rehab. At the time he thought of gays as sort of a garnish for the human race. A lot like parsley actually."

When asked if Darwin regretted his life now he looked nostalgic. "I regret I didn't do more porking. There's no sex in heaven. It's just like a giant champagne room. Also I guess I should apologize to creationists. They were right, I was wrong, at least about humans. That whole bit about God planting dinosaur bones and fossils was daft, I mean who does that? But no, humans are individually made by the creator. He's especially proud of Catherine Zeta Jones. So...anyway...sorry for the cock up." Darwin then vanished in a pillar of white light and a puff of smoke that witnesses described as smelling suspiciously like marijuana, not that they'd know anything about that.
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