Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Hello beautiful people, it is I, your most beloved advice columnist Saddam Hussein. After my success in advising my captors on everything from the appropriate way to start a day (NO FROOT LOOPS. You bring me Froot Loops again I will have your wife raped and dipped in a vat of acid. I will have my men masturbate with the entrails of your grandmother. Do you know how many grams of sugar there are in Froot Loops? As many grams as you will hear screams from your daughters if they DISGRACE my table one more time.) to the right kind of woman you want to marry (You want a woman who can clean. It is not so easy to get blood out of crushed velvet. Trust Saddam on this, it is quite the hassle.) I have decided to educate all of America on the proper way to live your life. One does not remain brutal dictator of an oil-rich country without knowing a few things, and my knowledge is yours to probe. To those who challenge my right to share my views from prison I say the freedom of speech, she is a bitch, huh? I would not tolerate such insolence from a country I ruled and trust me, neither will George Bush if he can get that third PATRIOT act passed. Good luck with that George, knock on wood, or praise Jesus as you superstitious types say.

Q: Dear Saddam, I'm getting a little older, almost 22, and I'm not as pretty as I once was. I'm thinking of having a little work done, a nose job and maybe a bust enhancement, to make myself a little more attractive and boost my self-esteem. What do you think of plastic surgery? Enclosed is a picture.

Jenny, Long Beach, CA

A: Dearest Jenny,

You have a beautiful face. To get your nose altered is an abomination without equal. The fact that you would consider such a thing means that you are a whore, your mother is a whore, your mother's mother is a whore, and any girl children you might bear in your polluted womb would be whores of the most disgusting and flagrant variety. To even type this message to you dirties my hands to the point where I will have to scrub them until they bleed just to clean the shame your question has brought upon me. If you were to even whisper this plan of yours in my country my secret police would drag you screaming from the house of your father and you would never be heard from again. In fact they still might. I would sleep with one eye open from now on if I were you, you cannot hide from me in this Long Beach. After I beat these false charges of the imperialist George Bush II I will come to the long beach and I will teach you the meaning of fear.

I would get the boobs done though, you're a little flat up top. In a decadent western society big breasts are weapons of mass attraction. Hahaha. A little bit of Saddam humor there for you. Ahhhh...yes. Yes.

Q: Dear Saddam,

I owe a lot of money to the IRS and haven't paid taxes in years. Should I just hope they don't find out about me, or talk to them about maybe working out a payment plan?

Bill Johnson,

New York, NY

A: Dear Bill,

YOU PAY NOTHING to the imperialist United States. Nothing. If you give them so much as one penny I will have my men track you down, take your eyeballs out with curling irons, and feed your sauteed flesh to your children and their little friends. You spend your money on something practical, like mustard gas, and NEVER allow the auditors into your home. Build a spider hole out back just in case. Those are virtually foolproof.

Q: Dear Saddam,

This is a little embarrassing, but I followed your directions again and I couldn't find them. Please please please tell me where you put them, okay?

Your friend,

George Bush II

Washington D.C.

A: Dear George,

Keep looking, I am sure you will locate the WMDs soon. Have you checked under the rugs of my beautiful palaces? You have? Darn. I was sure that was where they were being kept. Wait a second, I seem to remember ordering a lieutenant of mine to move them to a location in Al Qafari, the New Jersey of Iraq. It is near a small bed and breakfast called the Infidels Must Die In Excruciating Agony, and Khurds Will Join Them The Spineless Curs Inn. Go there and ask for Chico, he may know where they are.

Best of luck, your pal,


Dear Saddam:

I'm trying to impress a special guy. French cut or thong?

Peta McDermont

Chicago, IL

Dear Peta:

First you are a whore. Second you are a whore. Third you are a whore. Fourth, you cannot go wrong with the BVDs. They work with any body type and haircut. They are the epitome of understated class and sexy. You wear the BVDs and if the man appreciates you, that is to say appreciates a brazen whore, he will be unable to keep himself from kidnapping you and forcing you to marry him at gunpoint. I hope you are very happy together.


Dear Saddam:

I admire your work with torture very much. The whole rape room thing was a great idea, but I want to expand on it, maybe add a hot tub full of pig shit or I don't know, some really bad track lighting. You're my idol and I just hope that some day I can be a tenth the torturer you were.

Donald Rumsfeld,

Washington D.C.

Dear Rummy,

It is wonderful to hear from you, my old and dear friend. Remember when we spent that night together in Baghdad playing Monopoly: Genocide Edition. You got a monopoly on the trail of tears and built up all the concentration camps so quickly I assumed you were cheating and had your translator executed on the spot. It turns out you were just lucky. Good times, good times. Now I am imprisoned by the imperialist pigs of your government, the filthy scoundrel liars and curs. You never come to visit? Why is that? Are you ashamed of your old pal Saddam? I miss you, bright eyes.

Anyway, I do have advice for you if you still want to listen to an over the hill slaughterer of the innocent like me. You are doing very well for yourself down with the Gitmo. I approve. If you really want to spruce up a torture room, you have to go with the Hammaker Schlemmer remote nipple and genital shock kit. Now be sure to get the industrial version and the erotic one. You want to smell the burning flesh of your victims, not spice up their bedroom lives. Nothing quite gets to a torture victim like giving him or her a big shock to the most sensitive regions while s/he is weeping in the corner from the shame and violation. It's a bit on the pricey side, but what do you care? You are already racking up the big debts. Go wild, it's not like you will be paying the bill. May I recommend the firetruck red version? It matches the look of raw skin after a full body sandpapering. Also, Don, you know you are the master with the water boarding so do not let me down there. I know that many of the men you hold were my loyal subjects, but I believe if you're going to torture someone you do it right or you don't do it at all. Alberto Gonzalez didn't write those memos so you could half ass it. There is a joke going around about us you know. What is the difference between Saddam Hussein and Donald Rumsfeld? One is on trial for crimes against humanity and the other only SHOULD be. Haha I love that one. Take care!

Your devoted friend,

Saddam Hussein.
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