Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Goin' down down down

Got hit by depression pretty bad today. Not a little love tap either this was a full on left hook to the tip of the chin. I'm not 100% sure of the cause, part of it was having bills due. I have the money to cover them, but I need income and I'm not seeing a short term solution for that. One of my real fears is spending down all the money I have and ending up a bum on the street with no marketable skills and no prospects for employment. Realistically I am at least a few years away from that being a possibility, but a few years isn't an eternity and I need to get my ass in gear.

The thing is I don't exactly know how to do that. As humiliating as it is I've never really gotten a job 'cold' before. Every position I've ever had has been through contacts or family connections or something. I know that's how most people get their jobs, but I'm finding this whole searching listings and sending out resumes thing kind of depressing. There aren't a ton of positions out there, those that are generally summarily reject anyone who is 'entry level' and it's frustrating as hell. What's even more frustrating is that even if I do jump through all the hoops and find a position it won't be doing what I actually want to do. I know this is pretty standard for people my age, or even my elders, but that doesn't exactly make it pleasant.

I am frustrated with myself for being in this position. I could be better situated if I had done more stuff earlier. If I'd gotten involved in publications in college or gotten internships in the industries I like rather than others. My not having done so wasn't due to poor planning so much as not being ready and not being clear on what I wanted to do with my life. I thought I wanted to be a lawyer and took an internship at a court, there's nothing inherently wrong with that but it turned out to be a mistake. I also should have done a third major, in film, but by the time I decided on that I had already applied for graduation. Frustrating.

Of course there's things I could do now to network, which is what I really need. I should enroll in some cheapish classes somewhere to meet people and try to make contacts, and of course there's the carpet bombing query letter approach which has worked for some in the past (Where you basically write everyone around who you respect or admire and ask them to keep your resume on file.) I'll definitely do the former soon and the latter seems probable, but all of that can take years to really pay off.

I feel ready to contribute now and I feel shut out. It's painful. I checked out Writer's Market to see if there was anywhere to send my stuff, and under humor it listed two options, slim and none. None pays better.

Realistically I have options. For one thing I can work on my feature screenplays and hope that I can find someone interested in them. I think that they're marketable ideas and that if I spent a couple months with my head down I could get them into professional quality shape. I believe in me! The other thing I should definitely do is get my own website. LJ is great and I intend to keep it as a personal blog, but I'm at the point as a writer where I can start showing stuff to the world. Having my own website won't pay the bills, in fact it will cost some (though nothing I can't afford just by cutting out the porn I still sometimes buy) but it is a step in the right professional direction. Saying "I'm really funny in my web diary" is worthless in an application. Saying "I have a humor website you can check out" has a lot more value, especially if the stuff is good. It will also force me to EDIT EDIT EDIT which is a huge bugbear of mine. I can keep this journal for personal reflection and link to the other site when it gets up and going. The problem with this plan is that it will force me to either pay someone a significant sum to design the site, or design the site myself. While I'm pretty sure I could do the necessary HTML and script work, I'm not a terrible programmer, my graphic design abilities are shit. As a director I know how to frame a shot and prepare a really good sequence, but as a visual artist I'm just no good. And I know that. Ideally I would have someone who wanted to work with me on it, but I don't, and I can't let myself be stopped by that.

So there are options out there, things to pursue. Comedy clubs also exist, though I'm not ready to do that yet. Meanwhile if my weight keeps dropping that will be a plus, and going through this shit is just part of life. But that doesn't change the fact that for a few minutes this morning I didn't want to live anymore, and that doesn't make me less emotionally vulnerable to this stuff.

I think part of it may be that I'm getting sick. I know why too. I went to get my elderly neighbor a prescription and when I brought it back to her I helped her figure out her DVD player and a few other things. As Karmic return for those unforgivable actions I got the cold she had. It's only fair I guess.

This entry is a prime reason why I need a separate website. I know a lot of people who would probably enjoy my more lighthearted stuff don't want to hear or see my moaning and complaining. I'll be okay, I'll rebound and come back stronger than ever. That's the story, right? Two steps forward one step back is still a step in the right direction.
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