Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Memes are stupid

There's this Meme going around my friends list right now about the five things you'd tell a 16 year old version of you. I think it's dumb. I wouldn't tell a 16 year old version of me nothing. For one thing it would change who I am in fundamental and unpredictable ways. For example lipstickboi thinks I am a compassionate person. If I hadn't gone through some of the stuff I went through I might not be able to snow her so effectively. For another thing it could be dangerous. You might kill yourself accidently. You can't take away the pain of growing up no matter what you do. Our whole lives our parents and elders are trying to impart wisdom to us and we're IGNORING THEM. It's part of life. Telling your 16 year old self stuff probably wouldn't have any effect, but if it did it probably wouldn't be the one we'd want. Take golden_lotus for example. If he got laid more in high school maybe he doesn't end up marrying the woman he did. Then his daughter isn't born. Is there any possible alternative life out there for him that would be worth giving her up? We don't think about this stuff.

The only thing I might tell my 16-year old self would be "I think that eventually no matter what you feel right now you will eventually be happy." No advice, no suggestions, just hope. Even that might be too much.

So anyway, I don't want the power to go back in time and talk to my young self. What I would like, however, would be the ability to do it for other people. Impersonate them and go back to talk to THEM when they were young. I don't want to fuck up my life, but theirs? Hell yeah. Like take that girl you had a crush on in 11th grade. Wouldn't you like to go back and tell a 16 year old her "Your greatest regret in life is going to be not routinely blowing Ben when you had the chance. This will haunt you for the rest of your days and you will die shedding tears over it." Okay, that might be a bit harsh, but there are others that you know YOU want to do.

Billy Graham:

"When you die and go to heaven you're going to find out that Jesus hates you. He fucking HATES you man. Hates YOU. Why? Because you're a douche, Billy. You're a douche bag. You go around blasting the gays and the Jews in Jesus' name, and he can't stand that shit. You know what? Jesus was gay. You find that out when you go to the pearly gates, see him making out with Peter, and then get sent down to hell. So think about that Billy. Pray on that motherfucker."

Carrot Top:

"Consider a career in lion taming. I really think we'd be happier if you went that way. We'd all be happier."

Jennifer Connelly:

"Don't lose the weight."

George Lucas:

"At some point in your life you will think up a character named Jar Jar Binks. At this point I want you to ball up your hand into a fist, hold it far from your head, and slam it into your jaw until you no longer have any desire to put that character into a Star Wars movie. Trust me, you'll thank me later."

George Bush:

"Never stop drinking. There may come a time when you want to, but don't. NEVER STOP DRINKING. Worse choice you could make. NEVER STOP DRINKING."
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