Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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There is a group of people in the world who I simply cannot stand. These people expect special treatment, sympathy, and financial assistance from the rest of us. They want us to wear special ribbons and bracelets to help them solve a problem that they are to blame for having in the first place. I am talking, of course, about cancer patients.

I do not think it would be inappropriate to say that cancer patients are a cancer in our society. They walk around like they own the place, with their smug little bald heads and their special parking privileges. You want me to feel sorry for you because you are sick? Sorry, but it is you who sickens me. If you didn't want to have cancer then why did you get it in the first place? And now you want me to buy one of your bracelets? I don't want a bracelet, cancer boy, I want to be able to read a newspaper without reading about your melanoma. Oh there was a new cancer drug invented recently that offers hope to those living with the disease? I could not care less. More information on the fallout from the Michael Jackson trial and less about cancer please.

Now I know what you're going to say, and I've heard it before. "Cancer patients are innocent victims. They did nothing to contract the disease and they only want to be cured and live a normal life." First of all, that is bullshit, and moreover, that is bullshit. Every cancer patient out there has engaged in some sort of behavior that put them at risk for cancer, and they did so willingly. Let's take smokers. Smokers smoke. Smoking causes cancer. Is it hard to link their choices and their cancer-patient status? No. I think it is safe to say we can all agree that smokers have it coming. What about other cancer patients, like those who suffer from skin cancer? Well sun is known to cause skin cancer, and they have all been willingly exposed to the sun. Perhaps you didn't think that that trip to the beach would lead to cancer, but it did. Deal with it. You are not a victim you are merely reaping what you sow.

"But wait, Ben," you might say, because you are a jackass. "What about children with leukemia or other forms of cancer? You can't possibly blame them for contracting it can you?" My response to you is "No. I could not possibly NOT blame them." The fact is that we live in a world where we know of many things that cause cancer. Bread causes cancer. Too much sunlight, not enough sunlight, pollution in the air, pollution in the food we eat, artificial sweeteners, sugar, and love are all known causes of cancer. If you can't keep away from those things then you deserve your fate. So-called Leukemia victims were all breathers, breathers to a man. Maybe if they hadn't breathed so much they wouldn't have gotten sick and they wouldn't be whining about it. Most of them ate bread and loved their mothers. If you eat bread and love your mother there is only one predictable outcome, and that is cancer. Those of us who avoided such shenanigans are healthy, you are not, you are dying of cancer. Maybe that'll make you think twice about having another sandwich or giving mom a hug in the next life.

The cancer patients want us to feel sorry for them but it is they who should feel sorry for us. While they are living the cushy cancer patient life in the finest of hospitals we are footing the bill for expensive research and treatment options to give to them. This is the greatest boondoggle in government history but nobody wants to talk about it. They just want to feel sorry for the cancer patients. Here is my opinion on the matter. I chose not to get cancer, you chose, through your actions, to get cancer. Why should money be taken out of my paycheck or stock profits to pay for your treatment? I need that money. I have better uses for it. Cancer treatment costs the average American over one dollar in tax revenue every year. That is a dollar I could spend on delicious gum, but instead the federal government steals it from me and spends it on cancer. Can we really tolerate the taking of our gum money for cancer patients and continue to call ourselves a free society?

No, we cannot.

In this world everyone deserves exactly what he gets. There is no such thing as a bad break, there is only action and consequence. Cancer patients want to break this simple chain of cause and effect and claim that they were unlucky. They were not unlucky, they were immoral and now they are bald. Bald as a cue ball. It is my hope that some day we will recognize cancer patients for the selfish self-involved drains on society that they are. If there were a ribbon devoted to showing that, that would be a ribbon I would wear. Until then all I can say is stay out of my way if you know what's good for you, baldie. I have gum to buy.
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