Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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New Seizure law

Moving quickly after the recent Supreme Court decision many towns and municipalities have passed new laws allowing for easier seizure of private property for public and private use. While property advocate groups have complained that many of the new laws are unjust and unfair most agree that the most draconian measure was passed by the Missouri State Legislature. According to the new law, enacted Monday, any Missouri government official can seize any piece of private property he wants for any reason. Explained Martha Katzwillitz of the legislature "We believe that this law will help the state's economic development plan, and provide much needed relief to our strained budget. For example we've just canceled prescription drug coverage for state employees, who will now be expected to use the power of eminent domain to fill costly prescriptions. Also we've been able to close the subsidized cafeteria at the main Human Services office. Employees wanting a hot lunch can simply go to the nearby Jefferson City elementary school and seize it from a student."

Many Missourians are upset about these developments. Says Georgia Peters of Fayette Bluffs, "My son Timmy is in third grade. I always give him money for lunch because he's a growing boy, but yesterday a couple male nurses from a V.A. hospital came into his school and seized his lunch tray along with the dollar I gave him for a soda after school. When he complained and threatened to tell the principal they seized his glasses and taunted him. Then one of them seized the back of his underpants and yanked them up in a very aggressive manner. I'm so upset I'm considering moving to that rotpit called Arkansas."

It turns out that underwear seizure has become a problem throughout much of Missouri. At a Hooters in Marris County a pair of young highway patrolmen entered and laid claim to the uniforms of the waitresses. Witnesses quote them as claiming "It is vital for the economic development of the state that we have your shorts and halter tops. Bras and panties too please."

When asked about the constitutionality of the recent seizures governor Matt Blunt was both direct and...well...blunt. "Look, right now we're just focusing on seizing things we want. In a few days we'll all sit down and come up with some bullshit excuse as to why it's for the public good, and the supreme court will back us up because these days it's more of a symbolic institution than anything else. We can do whatever we want. If any of newspapers print these remarks I may just have to seize their building and give it to a Chuck E. Cheese, yeah, bitch, I can do that."

For now the seizures continue, from luxury cars to the latest Xbox games, throughout the state. In fact it is rumored that one of the next moves might be to...hey...leggo my computer. What? No you can't...give it ba-
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