Do you, loyal readers, remember the girl who I talked a ton about at the start of this journal and have brought up occasionally since then? The girl I kept calling "She whose name cannot be uttered" and other stupid stuff like that? I had this huge crush on her and she blew me off (although I didn't ACTUALLY ask her out per se, just if she wanted to hang out some time) and I dealt with it. Made me stronger and all that, convinced me to stick to my policy of non-interaction with women.
So she emailed me yesterday asking if I wanted to get together and it was a fairly friendly message. Made reference to the skit we did together and explicitly stated that we could get together if I wanted.
I don't know. It took me a LONG time to get over this girl considering the slim aquaintance we had. I mean if I went to meet with her that would kind of be like admitting I was interested in women and willing to do something about it and I'm not sure I WANT to admit that. If I turn her down NOW then I still get to say that I've pushed away all females that I've ever had a chance of having any sort of connection with. I get some of my self esteem back and a solidified world view.
On the downside I also give up meeting with someone who I know I think is absolutely fabulous. Even if there is no shot for romantic involvement, in addition to being beyond beautiful she also has a sense of humor similar to mine, an interesting and agile mind, an interest in literature, a down to earth willing to work attitude and a lot of other stuff that would make for a possibly worthwhile friendship.
But can I deal with just being friends with someone who I am so utterly besoted with? Who I spent so much time thinking about and pining after?
I don't know.
This is a tough one for me. On the one hand there is someone who I really like who obviously has at least some sort of interest in me (as a person). I mean she agreed to hang out in mid-July but I'm pretty sure she's not suggesting that we get together now in September just out of a sense of guilt, especially since my last email to her was in late July and it would seem very strange to contact someone you don't like a month after they've contacted you to remind them that you two were supposed to hang out.
But I AM paranoid and I know it's not impossible.
Or if you want to delve into my true paranoia she might invite me to meet her in a coffee shop and say "Look Ben, please stop talking/writing about me. I know that you were kinda obsessed for awhile and all but I'm uncomfortable with you saying anything more about me. You don't have the right to keep me as a memory. We had to work together, I had a terrible time but I was a good sport because what would the point of NOT being a good sport be? Now it's OVER. Stop writing in that fucking journal and talking to your dumbass friends and go find someone else to obsess over."
She of course would have no way of knowing about my journal writing or speaking to my friends but THAT is the extent of my paranoia. Sometimes when I have talked about her over the telephone and heard a wierd clicking sound (like one does with cordless phones) I have imagined that somehow our frequencies got crossed and she is listening in to my conversation (not intentionally mind you, she doesn't give enough of a fuck about me in these paranoid fantasies to listen in, she just hears, the world reveals to her what I want so very much to hide) Or that she is in the booth behind me in the restaurant or walking down the street jogging to catch up and say hi when she hears me utter her name and the stuff that follows.
I am THAT paranoid.
And this journal? FORGET it. I mean this is PUBLIC. She could find this and it would be pretty easy for her to figure out who I am and who she was. (My name is Ben and I attend Columbia University. That narrows it down too far for comfortable anonymity, especially to a Columbia student) That's one of the reasons I have refused to post her name. Plausible deniability.
I don't know what I'm going to do. I should talk to Jeff before I act. Or don't act.
Do I go for what the healthy part of me wants or do I take the sure thing and let this just be healing for my wounded pride?
Somewhere out there Stuart is laughing, thinking that he was right. Or he would be if he gave a fuck. The thing is that I while I do want this on a primal level I don't know if I do on an intellectual level.
I'm overanalyzing overthinking. This is obsessive.
I gotta learn to be okay with that.
If only she wasn't so beautiful, or smart, or funny, or interesting.
If only she wasn't so old (24).
If only I didn't feel happy and at peace when spending time with her and watch the clock painfully as it ticked towards the end of our time together.
If only I wasn't so afraid.
If only this was easier.
If only if only