Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Re: The Vagina I'd like to lodge a complaint. Several really

As genital systems go the vagina is an extremely popular one. Studies show that over half of the world's population not only owns a vagina but uses it on a daily basis. Now as a long-time user of the vagina's biggest competitor in the genital market, the penis, perhaps I am not the best one to criticize its design. I know there are many fans and defenders of the vagina as a genital system, and I'm not knocking them, but I think that when the next revision comes out there are some definite improvements to be made.

1) Location Location Location

The vaginal instruction manual describes it thusly: "The vagina is conveniently located between the legs of virtually every adult female. Those in need of some sort of visual marker should note the conveniently placed pubic hair of the mons veneris above the vaginal area."

While the vagina is indeed located between the legs, I would hardly call that convenient. For one thing the vagina is often covered by layers of clothing that must be eliminated before it can be properly accessed, and for another there are those legs to contend with. Sure you can spread them wide or shove them up out of the way, but why are they there at all? Propulsion? That's bullshit. They're inconvenient.

Better locations for the vagina include the bellybutton area, the lower back, and the chest just above the breasts.

2) The Clit Conundrum.

The most important part of the vagina is the hole in to which one places a penis and out of which one extracts a child. This is as essential to a vagina as a single head sail set from the forestay is to a sloop, you can't have the latter without the former. This is not, however, where the vagina's pleasure center is. That's located about two clicks north beneath a fleshy hood.

What the fuck?

I mean yeah there's the G-spot, but you'll have as much luck of finding that as Dubya did finding Osama in the caves of Afghanistan. You need to commit serious troops and equip them with like flashlights and humvees and probably satellite imagery. Short of mounting that kind of expedition the clit is where it's at. So why isn't the clit conveniently located within the main tunnel of the vagina? There's no solid reason. It wouldn't even have to be at the end of the thing, it could be just inside. This would not only make it easier to find but would make child birth a hell of a lot more pleasant. This improvement is important.

3) Camouflage.

Speaking of hard to find...what's up with the whole vaginal camouflage situation? Once you get past the outer lips you're presented with a bunch of fleshy folds. Hidden within these are the various important sections of the vagina, but they are not clearly demarcated. Now with the penis such problems are virtually non-existent. You've got the head, the shaft, and the scrotum. Each is distinct from the other and there are often coloration differences. Not so with the vagina. The clit is the same pink color as the rest of the apparatus. Who came up with that? I mean it doesn't have to be lime green or neon purple (though that would be ideal) but how about a little bit of additional darkness, or a small arrow pointing it out. During the throes of passion it's easy to lose track of a tiny little pleasure nub.

4) Limited access

This is simple. In order to access a vagina you must have a woman around who is willing to let you do so. That's not really an ideal situation. I think that it'd better if vaginae were more widely distributed. You could put them into things everyone should have in the home anyway, like fire extinguishers or first aid kits. First aid kits are already pretty fuckable, a vagina would only improve things.

I'm not saying that the vagina doesn't have its charms, it certainly does, but as an intelligently designed love apparatus it is sorely lacking. During the next revision of the vagina I'd like to see some simple improvements made. Let's move them around on women, make them available separate FROM women, relocate the clit, and add a little more visual detail to the apparatus. With these simple additions I'm pretty sure the vagina could become an even more popular genital system and remain popular for many years to cum.


There are also fluid issues, such as the fact that the vagina should come with more lubricant and less oozing blood, but women get pissy when you bring those up, so I won't.
Tags: humor unedited, sex, vagina, women
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