Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Battle of the sexes

Women are a lot like men, only significantly leakier. If you spend a reasonable amount of time with one of them you will learn much about this leakiness, and the various ways they combat it, the most popular of these being the tampon. Despite their protestations it is pretty clear that women love tampons. Many women buy a box of them almost on a monthly basis, and they tend to go on binges using them for 3-5 days straight until they are able to rein in the compulsive behavior. Tampons aren't only addictive vaginal suppositories though, they are also vital weapons in the battle of the sexes.

I think it would be fair to say that the only thing women do with tampons more often than binging with them is leaving them at men's homes. Most people think of this as sort of like a dog pissing on a tree to mark its territory, only significantly crueler. In fact it is much more sinister. Women will resort to a variety of tricks to sneak tampons into your home from "suddenly getting their period" while on the way to your house to baking them into a pie they give to you and exclaiming "Oh, so THAT'S where my tampons went" when you bite into one. They are devious. Once in the home there is no easy way to dispose of tampons, since if you throw them into the trash someone could go through it and uncover them, and their super-absorbency makes them risky to flush if you don't first soak them in blood.

So you're left with a bunch of tampons stashed away in like your medicine cabinet, or under the floorboards, or buried out back in the yard with that sarcastic girl-scout who said you didn't look like you NEEDED another box of thin mints, or wherever you put that sort of thing. And you're cool with it for awhile, but eventually the true nature of the tampon threat will reveal itself. They'll start calling out to you as you fall asleep, invading your thoughts in that space between wakefulness and slumber. And they'll only have one thing to say, but it'll be a doozy of a question. It's the same question asked by a lot of other household objects, from sharpie pens to particularly attractive carrots, and that question is "Why don't you shove me up your ass?"

Now it's not a gay thing. I want to make that clear, it's not a gay thing. Men have been shoving things up their asses in totally heterosexual ways for literally decades. From a nice coffee enema to a prostate stimulating dildo there's a great number of items that can only reach their full utility potential when shoved up your ass. And this fact is what the tampon plays on as it taunts you in your bed. "I'm super absorbent, I could eliminate wet farts." It says. Or it brings up the indignities of nighttime ass sweat and offers to eliminate them at the source with no muss and no fuss.

But no matter how the tampon entreats you you must not stick it up your ass, because to do so would court disaster. What if you had to take a dump and couldn't get it out in time, would it absorb the moisture from the feces leaving you with a dangerously dry fiber cake in your colon? Or what if the string broke? Could you ever get it out? Might it kill you, or, even worse, send you to the emergency room to get it removed. And all the doctors would cluster around and laugh at you and you would forever be known as the guy who shoved the tampon up his ass and couldn't get it out? The dangers are numerous and very real.

This is why men desperately try to avoid letting women leave tampons at their homes. It's not about being afraid of menstruation or intimacy or any of that. It's the very real danger that some day that man may be drunk and alone and may surrender to the desire to stick one up his ass. And this is why women love leaving tampons at men's homes, because who has time to think about other women when you're constantly guarding your ass from a potential superabsorbent invader.

And so the battle of the sexes rages on with no end in sight.
Tags: girlfriend, gross, humor unedited, women
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