Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Protect your assets

It is often said that a man's home is his castle. Well if that is indeed true then a man's computer is his treasure trove, and his porn collection is the crown jewel among his riches. Like any other important treasure a proper collection of pornography is aesthetically pleasing, assembled over years of painstaking excavation (of the internet), and carefully guarded. Unlike most other riches porn can only be properly enjoyed with your pants off, but that's neither here nor there.

Porn security is a growing concern in this day and age of spyware and computer snoopery. There are literally hundreds of thousands of people out there in cyberspace who want control of your computer, and thus your precious supply of porn, and they are a deadly threat indeed. A single virus can wipe out gigabytes of hot girl on girl action and even rarer girl on girl on monkey footage. Protection from this sort of threat is simple but essential. Anti-virus software, a hardware firewall, and a secure web browser are all important elements. Unfortunately the most important element of normal computer security, avoiding questionable websites, is an impossible task for the porn connoisseur. Yet there are still things that can be done. Never download free executable files, even if they promise hot strip roulette action, and be careful with transsexual material. There's a lot of trojan horse action going on in the Tranny porn scene. Fair warning.

Even if you protect your precious porn collection from outside invaders there is still a real and present threat on the home front. The average heavy porn user lives alone and doesn't have many visitors, but what visitors he does have are often primed for one thing and one thing find and mock his porn. If you don't want the laughter that comes from being known as the guy who has a Dick Clark Impersonator fetish, or the humiliation of everyone you know seeing that you do, in fact, enjoy the earlier works of Andrew Blake, there are some simple security techniques that you can employ.

Please note that these techniques do not sacrifice accessibility for security as some other advisers will tell you to do. If you hide your porn in such a way that you need both hands on the keyboard to unlock it, what's the point of having it at all?

#1) Password lock your computer. You don't want to be K.O.ed from a night of heavy carousing (Ever tried to drink a SECOND can of Bud Light only an hour after the first? Better hope you have soft carpeting because you're going down to the ground friend.) only to have your friends invade your privacy and awake you with a serenade of gay-for-pay moaning coming from your computer speakers (Volume naturally at max.) Password protecting your P.C. is an easy way to prevent this. Please note that passwords like Bananaboat45 or Sausagefest69 are not advisable. Those are the first things YOUR friends will try.

#2) Hide your porn in a directory that nobody in his right mind would ever check out. Something like "My Vacation Photos," "World Zither Music," or "College Term Papers" will do nicely. Even a drunken friend can find porn in the "Porn" folder. Be smart.

#2a) Boring file names are a related but also useful technique. Don't leave a file named "Supreme Midget Gangbang" just lying around. A simple file search will detect that in seconds. Something like "Ben Stein Reads Nathanial Hawthorne" or "According To Jim Episode 1.7" can help you there. Who would check those out?

#3) Removable media. If you use DVD-Rs or a removable hard drive you can hide your porn the old fashioned way, under the mattress or on a high closet shelf as god intended. This option can be a bit more expensive than the others but is closer to a sure thing. Knowing your friends they really WOULD want to see Ben Stein read the Scarlet Letter. Oh yeah, get new friends.

No matter what techniques you employ, though, there's bound to come a day when someone finds your porn. Most likely it will be a girlfriend or wife, since such creatures have no concern for your privacy and snooping abilities that make the Pinkertons look like a Captain and Tenille cover band. When this day comes it will likely be unexpected. She'll ask if she can send an email from your P.C., you'll have to go to the bathroom to enter into negotiations with the mexican food holding your colon captive, and suddenly you'll hear those dreaded words.

"Oh look, a hamster, isn't he cute? That girl has awfully big high heels. Oh my god, what's she..JESUS. It's just a hamster. It didn't do anything to her. Why would she do that? Why would she do that to the hamster? It's innocent. Just a hamster. Just a little hamster.

Oh look. A squirrel. Isn't he cute..."

At this point there is only one thing you can do. Rush out of the bathroom, pants around your ankles, look her deep in her big brown eyes, and lie like a motherfucker. "I have no idea what those files are doing there. My friend Chuck was messing around with my PC and he might have downloaded them. Maybe I have a virus. Who wants to go shopping?" Deny deny deny deny. Delete the files from your PC and purge the recycle bin. Don't go for your backups until the coast is clear.

Sometimes you have to throw the treasure overboard and retrieve it later.
Tags: humor unedited, porn
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