Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Is something wrong? She said. Of course there is. You're still alive she said.

If I was into omens I would definitly find the fact that the hurricane currently bearing down on the bahamas is named Erin.

I dunno, I have been thinking about this and maybe it would be best just to meet her and let things achieve closure. But I'm actually less concerned with it than I thought I would be. Hee-Ann says that she took so long to email me because she wants to be my friend and nothing more and she probably suspected I was sweet on her so she gave me 6 weeks to cool off before re-initiating contact.

I dunno, I'd kinda like to think he was right. My main worries are that she's doing this just to be polite or that she wants to be more than friends which I know I'm not ready to handle yet. I think that the second option is EXTREMELY unlikely, cause she is so far out of my league and the only thing that makes me think that there's a slim possibility is the fact that other people thought that there was something going on between us (I've probably gone over this Ad Naseum but in the invitations to the class wrap-up party it was stated that she and I would be singing romantic songs, plus a guy from class made an insinuation about her and I on the last day of class).

Anyway I'd like to be friends with her. I really would. But I'm afraid that either she won't like me or that she will like me too much. GAH! I really wish I wasn't so screwy. I know what a lot of it is due to. My CRAZY ass mother who I need to move away from to the point where I am considering transfering out of Columbia even though it will cost me something on the order of 50 thousand dollars to do so.

Jeff has also not been there for me through out this development. I've called and left messages telling him that I'd really like to talk to him but he hasn't responded. This has upset me and reinforced my feelings that there is NOBODY I can rely on. My mother is a horrible harpy who wakes up in the morning with at least 5 complaints on her lips and then starts crying when she is criticised for being nothing but cruel and critical.

My friends are....okay but not the type I can really talk to and Jeff has demonstrated time and time again that no matter what he says he is NOT available reliably. I know that he's not SUPPOSED to be and that he has a thousand commitments to attend to but it doesn't make me feel any better. I am still adrift....

....which is of course where some people would say I should get a girlfriend except that I don't want a girlfriend right now, I want to build a core of mature interesting FRIENDS. That should be my goal for this year. People who are older than I am and have more life experience and can relate to me on the level I like to relate to. I know that I am decent company for older people but that's just intellectual knowledge, it isn't accepted on a more basic level.

Fixing my life is certainly not an easy process. It is time consuming and difficult and draining. I don't think I can afford to give this journal up just yet, but maybe I should make it private or something. I don't know. I should buy a subscription to livejournal and I think I will as soon as I free up the cash. I have a lot to do today and hope I can get at least half of it done.

Also I think Dr.X. has been scared off by the comments about Sheriff Stuart of Notrightham. Mores the pity.
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