Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Everyone in my life; my friends my shrink etc.... has been taunting me about my going to this stupid musical. Now an actor friend has told me that I'll probably be sitting with a bunch of blue hairs at the matinee. HELP! I always get myself into these messes. I live my life far too "High Concept" and end up paying the price. This is going to be a humiliating and unpleasant experience but I'm stuck with it at this point. I don't know what I can do about it other than go through with it.

When I was like 16 at camp I wrote an ethics paper for an older counselor's college class so that he'd buy my fellow C.I.T.s liquor. I didn't and still don't drink, but I was interested in seeing people get drunk. Anyway the guy went from failing the class to a C on the strength of my work and my doing his test for him, and it makes a great story about irony because he ended up running out on us without giving us anything. The part that I don't tell is that it took quite a bit of time to do and I missed a campwide carnival to get it in on time. It's another example of living my life based on a story I want to tell later, and not the here and now. It's bizzare and stupid. I need to stop it.

It's funny that art class, which I enjoy, takes up such a small portion of my conciousness compared to music. I mean I'm taking 2 classes which are both the same in terms of effect on my GPA, and I'm focusing on the one I hate. How non-constructive is that?

I don't want to go to this show! I'm also not going to get my other paper done on time, I know that at this point. Why do I put myself through all of this stuff? Is it a sign of my uniqueness and the pain of being special or am I just stupid? What's the difference? You know when I was going to Spanish class it was much less stressful even though I had a larger course load because I was busy. I also had that other issue taking up my time but I've promised Barry that I won't obsess on that anymore. I'm glad it ended just badly and not horribly though.

This post is seriously disjointed. I need to FOCUS. Focus Focus Focus. They have pills for people like me don't they?

Sometimes I get paranoid and I think that all the bad stuff I do in private is known to everyone who I care about. Like all my flaws are on parade. This frightens to me. There's stuff I do that I don't want to have done, and stuff I want to have done that I don't want to do, if you understand what I mean by that. This Journal is kinda nice because it allows me to put some of the bad stuff out there and KNOW that people can see it and read it. That takes away some of the fear of being discovered (or secretly observed.) I just wish it was more interesting or constructive. I feel really bad about how it's going so far. So if you're reading this I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I have failed to entertain you. I'm sorry that I whine so much about the same stuff. I'm sorry that I'm not original enough. I'm sorry that I exist.

Did I mention that I REALLY don't want to go to this musical? :-/
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