Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Solutions to believe in

New York City, New York, July 23 2005

After the recent acts of terrorism against the London Underground subway systems around the United States have raised their levels of security, none to a greater extent than the nation's largest system in New York City. New York has enacted a controversial random bag search program at several stations that critics call both ineffective and overly invasive. While the city tries to adjust the program in response to criticisms there is one man who suggests that it be scrapped altogether and replaced with a program of his own devising. That man is Francis P. Huffries and he has a plan to "Keep the Big Apple from getting waxed."

Mr. Huffries does not live in New York City, and in fact has never been there, but he is quite certain that his plan would be effective. A resident of Cooley County Missouri Francis Huffries (Franny to his friends) is the CEO of His Infallible Protection Plan Industries, or HIPPI for short. The company operates out of one half of the unattached garage beside his suburban bungalow and currently has no customers, but Huffries is certain that it is up to the task of saving the city from future disaster. "There is no doubt in my mind that if New York properly implements my plan it will be provided with 100% certain protection from any future terrorist disasters. If so much as a firecracker goes off in the subway system I will not only refund the purchase price of the plan, I will personally pay for any necessary repairs." This may seem like a tall order for a man whose net worth is estimated at approximately $15,087 depending on how you evaluate his rare bottle cap collection, but Huffries insists that the plan is so perfect that getting insurance should be a cinch.

When asked for the specifics of his plan Huffries refuses to go into much detail because he says he wants to protect his trade secrets. He will, however, part with a few select concepts around which the plan revolves. "Basically" says Huffries, "It's foolproof. Most anti-terrorism plans seek to stop bombers with police presence or trained dogs or bomb detecting machines or the like. That's ridiculous, any dedicated suicide bomber could find a way past those things without so much as raising a sweat. Heck I could smuggle a pound of plutonium and a pretty good detonator into the New York Subway system tomorrow without so much as a chance of being caught. I wouldn't, I would not do that, but I could. Easy. I have the plutonium. I mean I don't have it but I could get it. But I wouldn't."

Huffries continues. "Anyway, my plan doesn't rely on computers or sensors or any of that. Instead it relies on the one thing that's been scientifically proved infallible in these matters, and that is God. You know, Jesus Christ." Huffries continues, "God decides who lives or dies and he is the only thing out there that can keep terrorists from killing any more people. The HIPPI plan for New York is entirely faith based, and it revolves around a few simple ideas that any municipality could implement, things like school prayer and expelling all the Jews."

When asked about the constitutionality of his product Huffries bristles. "Constitutionality. Constitution schmonstitution. This is about safety for all Americans. Except the Jews. It's about saving lives. How can it be unconstitutional to save lives? The plan is foolproof and has already had test runs in big cities like Topeka and Madison Wisconsin, neither of which have experienced a terrorist attack since 9/11 even though not all the Jews have been removed from their borders. In fact I spent about 18 months on a diet of nothing but Wisconsin cheese because I know that's one point in the food chain where the terrorists would find any contamination efforts quickly foiled." Huffries concedes that he was forced to start eating other things after his wife threatened to expel him from the house over issues of flatulence, but hastens to add that he still thinks cheese is the safest. When contacted for the purposes of this story both Madison Wisconsin and Topeka Kansas denied any connection to Huffries, with the Madison mayor's office going so far as to state on the record that "We love Jews. Even the ones with the stupid hats."

Huffries shrugs at the denials, stating that he had both cities sign non-disclosure agreements, and that it's all just part of the plan. "Look, a city like Topeka has enough good Christians that it can tolerate some Jews without suffering terrorism, but with a place like New York where there's so much's a different story." He says. He remains optimistic that New York will purchase and implement his plan, which he is offering for "Something in the high six to low seven figures. It's negotiable." Meanwhile Huffries spends his days working as assistant to the town dogcatcher and his nights working on his next big project, which he says is a modification of his faith-based humvee armor system, which he claims has already seen extensive use during the war in Iraq. "I think I might add some physical element to the plan, you know, just in case some of the soldiers don't believe hard enough."

When reached for comment about this story Mayor Michael Bloomberg's office said that it would consider all anti-terrorist proposals on their merits, even those by anti-semetic crackpots.
Tags: christ, faith, humor unedited, jews
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