Here there be monsters (socratic) wrote,
Here there be monsters

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Bubble Tea: Hideous beverage of the Hipster Damned

If you live in an urban area with a decent sized hipster population you may have noticed a beverage that was briefly popular about a year ago and remains a reasonably common choice among the young and vacuous. It's called bubble tea and you can identify it easily, since it looks like someone took a perfectly good beverage and layered frogs eggs on the bottom of the cup. Bubble tea is generally sold at Asian run establishments and generally tastes like crap. It is the Chinese version of Montezuma's revenge, a foul concoction meant to punish westerners for their arrogance and misbehavior. You can see it in the slanty eyes of the waitress as she hands you the cup. They are filled with hatred.

The problem with the bubble tea plan is that not only is the concoction bad for the stomach, it is foul looking and tasting as well. Add expensive to the mix and it's unclear why anyone would buy it once, let alone twice. Enter the hipster. Hipsters are constantly looking for things nobody else wants so they can make it 'cool' and keep it exclusive. Thus you get pre-distressed jeans, vintage ashtrays, and all the other crap that the army of the lame loves so well. Bubble Tea is perfect for them. It's sold exclusively at "ethnic" shops, thus putting it out of the mainstream. It is likely to elicit disgust in most people, thus allowing the hipster to feel superior to them. It is expensive, but not so expensive that you can't buy it on a record-store clerk's salary. It's hipster perfection.

And they drink it. The Asians are happy to watch them gulp the "juice of misery" (as they call it behind the backs of the round eyes) and to count the big bucks in the till as they swallow it. Most normal people are content to look with curiosity as the hipsters suck at their 'unique' beverage with their big colorful straws, happily ingesting what appear to be goat testicles along with their tea. The system works.

Or at least it did.

Yesterday my girlfriend took me down to the Lower East side to see the neighborhood where her grandmother used to rule as a real-estate mogul with an iron fist. She pointed out various sites and important edifices to me, and about half an hour into our tour she suggested we get some refreshments. It was a warm day and a nice cool drink of water or a diet coke sounded great, so I agreed. As we approached the shop she dropped the bombshell. We were headed to get bubble tea.

Now I told her explicitly that I had tried bubble tea a few years ago and hated it, and that I would rather drink raw sewage from the mouth of a pig than ingest that swill, but she was having none of it. She told me that this place was special, this place was different, and the bubble tea would be a delicious treat on a hot summer day. I went along. Why? Because she guaranteed I'd love it or I'd get a hand job while we watched Hot Shots Part Deux later. Let me tell you, it's quite pleasant to feel someone stroking your cock while you enjoy the comic antics of Charlie Sheen.

The bubble tea was nowhere near as pleasant. For one thing the store owner didn't speak any English and gave my girlfriend the wrong flavor of tea. This was made even stranger by the fact that the owner was Chinese and my girlfriend ordered IN CHINESE, but such are the ways of women from the mysterious orient. Who knows. Even after we sorted that out my girlfriend ended up buying 2 teas instead of the one she wanted because they thought her order of my coconut was her asking for another green apple. I'm not saying this shop owner was anti-semitic, but the "No shirt, no shoes, no service" sign had an addendum of "Jews not welcome."

As for the tea itself, well the coconut part tasted like watered down sorbet with a tea aftertaste, and the little brown bubbles...the bubbles...they tasted like rabbit turds. Sweet rabbit turds. The turds of rabbits who had been munching on sugar cane. I finished about half before I wanted to throw up. My girlfriend claimed she liked them and faked eating them, popping a few in her mouth and then spitting them into the gutter while we walked in a vain attempt to preserve the sanctity of the bubble tea experience. She failed. The stuff is swill, always was swill, and always will be swill.

It's food not fit for a pig or even a tapeworm. In fact the only creature disgustingly undiscriminating enough to digest that crap without serious gastrointestinal damage guessed it...

The hipster.
Tags: bubble tea, girlfriend, hipsters, humor unedited, jenny
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